How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

So yeah, this is something I have thinking about a fair bit recently.

How do we judge if someone is acting their age? Should we?

Well for a child there are loads of ways to determine this, mainly through developmental stages that broadly follow the patterns of the levels of their education, emotional capacities and behaviour patterns, but what I’m talking about is adult age.

There comes a time, when we seem to plateau, but in levels and for a very long time. It has only recently hit me that this is the case, really, through just talking to people and looking at photographs of my Grandma and Grandad from their youth.

I mean, the plateau starts when we get to roughly 21 and this is when we’re expected to be pretty much responsible for ourselves, for example, be in a job, possibly running a car, paying our own way, doing our own laundry etc. 

Between 25-30, parents may start to hint that you should be thinking about settling down, because ‘Amy’s a lovely girl’, or dumping Martin for ‘that nice boy over the road, because Martin is not good enough for you’. You’ve heard it all before.

Then, you might decide to have kids. Of course, this may have happened in a different order, sometimes surprises happen! Sometimes, the surprise is that none of this happens at all.

Then, after the husband and kids, comes the process of keeping the whole thing stuck together, not fucking it up, and being happy until the end of your days. 

For some people, this picture perfect scene is a reality, but for many, the pattern doesn't ring true.

With all this in mind, its no wonder that we lose sight of who we really are and what we were meant to do in the first place. In my opinion, the only thing we can really do with life, is live. Given that, we might as well just get on with it. Don't worry about other's expectations, concern yourself with your own.

 Instead of thinking about what we should be doing at our age, we should just let things happen, obviously applying a level of responsibility, such as don't just leave the iron on forever, just in case. If you get married at 21, then good for you. Personally, I would rather die than marry someone now, because I don’t feel ready and to be honest I don’t know when that will be. I might be 25, I might be 35, but when the time is right then its all gravy, and hopefully there’ll be some roast potatoes to join the party if I’ve learned to cook better by then.

I know so many people who are hung up on what they should be doing for their age. To be honest, I can be just as bad. I started out on my course thinking I was too young, but who says? Just because I’m the youngest in the staffroom doesn’t mean I’m any less ready to be there, or any less willing to do the job properly. Age is really just a number (says the 21 year old who hasn't really lived yet I know, I know - contradiction right there! Case in point).

We’re all born, and we’ll all die. What we do between these times should happen when we feel ready, not when we should be. You can never predict when something is going to happen or feel that you have let yourself down if Plan A doesn’t work, because the more you worry about it, the less likely Plan B, the better plan, is to succeed.

So for anyone who is curious: how old would I be if I didn’t know my age?

To be honest, I just don’t know. Some days I feel 5 because I’m hyper and silly and do weird voices, other days 15 because I have a giant spot on my chin, no one fancies me and my life is OVER etc, and other days I feel 25 although I’m not even that old yet, because I’ve moved out, have a car, manage my finances and plan on teaching kids for a living. Sometimes, I feel 70, because I'm in bed watching repeats of Coronation Street on a Saturday night, with some cheese and biscuits. Too cool.

But really, I’m 21, and concerning myself because I’m 22 in a month and that’s OLD right?

 It isn’t at all, but things are expected of us at certain ages, 22 is now seen as an age where we should have some sort of idea what our 5 year plan is. 

When the fuck did someone come up with this notion? 

I’m sure it didn’t exist back in the 1950s. I don’t have a 5 year plan really. Although if I set myself targets the top five would be:

1.       Be alive

2.       Be a teacher

3.       Have been on several more ridiculously wonderful nights out that I will never forget

4.       Have taken Mum and Dad out for a meal and paid, just to be nice

5.       To stop blinking when fireworks go off, or at loud noises in general

I think that’s an ok list to be getting on with!

Happy Monday everyone!

Custard Creams and Car Boyfriends

Today. Is it today? I’ve come to a realisation of a few things. Truth be told I feel on the cusp of being old and young. (Cos Liv hasn’t blogged about THAT before…) But seriously this time I’ve thought of actually why – a bit. More..?

Old because I’m no teenager, young because I’m far from being seen as ‘established’ as an adult. Established adults seem to have their shit together.

In the staffroom at school I feel so young and so naïve, and so overwhelmed at talking to any other teacher that I wonder if I’m in the right place at all. They seem so busy, bustling around from lesson to lesson, discussing things I have no idea about, and laughing at things I don’t understand, vaguely aware of my existence over their cups of tea and custard creams someone brought in I haven’t met yet. And they all look 50 and bring their own sandwiches, sometimes hummous. That makes me want hummous. The spicy ones are my personal favourites.

I still feel like one of the kids, but teaching is a pipe dream I’ve had for a while now. I just want my life to cohesively just - work as a unit, rather than be stuck in a strange place between study and work, waiting for lots of things, for my career to slot into place, discovering who I am and where I fit in to the whole thing along the way.

I also want to be liked, as in some silly way I feel this verifies me as a person which I know many people will find ridiculous, but not me, because I live in my head all the time. I have no idea why I’m so preoccupied with being liked because I know I’m liked, loved even by people that matter. Its not something I spend my whole life worrying about by any means, I just want to get things right with people. That makes me sound a bit pathetic, but I don’t really care because I think everyone secretly feels this way, just we all hate talking about it. Its hardly a conversation you have at the bus stop is it?

I go out at the weekend but also get my work done and that makes me a well-rounded individual right? A little fucked up perhaps but who isn’t? Not fucked up in a bad way, I mean just a bit imperfect. I’ll also (when the time is right) find a man who can appreciate all my subtleties, dispel my fears and protect me from all the hurt I could imagine. I like this general plan. I might have to cook the odd tea for him though, and suffer his annoying little ways, but he will be like my car – rough round the edges, smells interesting sometimes, yet is reliable, adorable and understanding of the things I get wrong. That sounds great to me!

So this is what was floating around my head over the last 5 hours, although most of it I deleted.  

Life as a Graduate

I know I tend to write a lot less often these days partly as I'm so busy, but today I'm going to talk about life as a graduate.

A graduate. What does that make you think of? Before uni it made me think of a really clever, 'mature person', someone who had a decent income, and knew what they wanted to do with their degree. It made me think of gowns, scrolls and mortar boards. But actually, being a graduate is nothing like that.

For me, as someone who returned to 'study'( - well is it studying? It feels more like training, but of course its that as well) I have a clear idea of what I want to do, but a decent income is yet to come. As for the image of gowns, scrolls and mortar boards, the gown was on for 5 hours, and the latter two were in my contact for all of 2 minutes while my picture was taken, and were placed and positioned on me by someone I didn't know. I may have a piece of (very sexy) paper to say I'm very clever but the gaps in my subject knowledge that have become apparent don't make me feel it yet. As for mature, well what does that even mean? We still go out most weekends and mess about in the kitchen together, do ridiculous accents and wind each other up with threats of death/general abuse and other equally amusing activities. I also have no intention of changing for a long time to come!

For others, it isn't so easy. They don't know what they want to do after graduating, and even if they did, that job probably wouldn't exist in a year after 'the funding got cut', if they even got the job which they probably wouldn't because at least 300 other people would have applied too. You see my point? Coupled with the fact that uni was so amazing and you get filled with promise in a future that may not deliver, life after uni can be a massive comedown, especially after moving back in with your parents in your twenties.

I'm counting myself lucky that I hopefully have a future in a career that will last (unless Gove decides he's going to redirect all the funding for education into a Mad Hatter's Tea Party, which would actually be a better use of his time, at least if he did that then on his day off someone could accidentally shred his plans to fuck up the education system). Anyway, all I can say to my friends that haven't been so lucky is that even if you've left uni, there are still people beyond your family who care about how you're doing. The job thing is soul destroying at times but keep going with it, we've got a reputation to keep going guys!

When all else fails, and your mum starts to nag, hand her the graduation picture and say 'does this mean you aren't proud of me anymore? Look how clever and mature I am..'.

So, PGCE, what's that like?

Ok so I haven’t done any teaching yet, that happens in a few months.

Its been really good so far though, I’ve certainly been kept on my toes with very full days and lots of work to do at home. I’ve really enjoyed my first week, the people on my course are lovely as well as the other PGCE and SCITT students from other subjects I’ve met. The tutors are also great, really engaging and great at reassuring us.

 I found out THE BIG ONE today, my placement school. It’s a Catholic one just on the other side of Leeds. I can’t wait to go on my first visit and see what its like! I think I’ll find it weird teaching in a Catholic school as it is no secret I’m lapsed (but retesting the waters with the whole religion thing) but I’m still looking forward to it and keeping my options open is something I’ve been preparing for for a while.

I also joined 3 teaching unions today, the NASUWT, NUT and ATL (teachers seem to love their acronyms) with loads of freebies like teaching planners, wall calendar, pens and highlighters etc, and one of those keyring things that has a fake pound coin for the trolley on it.

Another thing me and Em have been doing is takng in our own lunch, and saved a fortune in the process. £5 for a whole week of dinners? Can’t complain really.

All in all its been a tiring, crazy week but I’m loving it so far. I can really see how easy it is to fall behind though, so I’ve been over-compensating by becoming some kind of organisation goddess this week, I just hope the novelty doesn’t wear off!!

Cheers for reading, much lurve!

What's Liv doing with her life...?

...apart from trying and failing to think of some interesting blog topics?

I got back off holiday, worked LOADS (I am ready to burn that shirt), lost my iPod (cue devastation), had my work leaving do (cue singing, drinking and dancing), went out for my friend's 21st, was shocked some of us in our year aren't 21 yet which made me feel too old, went out for Mum and Dad's wedding anniversary, redyed my hair so now its sexy again, and tried to be good but failed a little.. :P Spent too much dollar, again!

Its been a pretty busy time! Housemates are moving in and out left right and centre, so I'm looking forward to having a normal house again once it all settles down, but going to fucking miss everyone SO much.

I'm more than aware of the fact that it is 2 weeks to Doomsday aka 'PGCE start date' which I'm anticipating 40% and dreading 60%. Student Finance is about to give birth to a year of madness, and hand over the monster child without an instruction manual, and Liz McGuire is the midwife that pops in to check I've not killed it yet. Bit melodramatic, but well done Liv, I'm sure that's healthy! Yeah I'm totally ready for someone to make a banana milkshake of my life as I know it. Once I've bought some Post-its. Oh and some pens. Also, new teacher clothes. Ah hello comfort zone. Shopping, wonderful.

Its going to be just fine.

Wales

So, I'm in Wales.

I've got to be honest with you I never thought I'd go on holiday with my parents again for a long long time, probably because I don't actually live with them and I'm in my twenties and it is severely uncool to partake in such activities. I thought it would never happen again after the Northern Ireland boredom video fiasco.

There've been times while I've been here that I've thought oh my God why did I come, but equally there've been some classic moments, such as these:

1. After hearing an English woman direct us for years on the satnav, to hear Yoda tell us we arrived at our destination in German as a one off was a bit of a surprise.
2. Discovering that Dad's 'go to' holiday DVDs are Enchanted and Alice in Wonderland.
3. Hearing Mum say 'that's the joy of natural coloured shorts' - ?!?
4. Waiting for Dad outside the cottage for 45 minutes after he was adamant he knew a quicker way back and getting lost in a field with the only key. We knew he'd be back soon after hearing the dogs up the road.
5. Realising that we are that far out in the sticks that it is literally quicker to walk to England than the nearest pub.

At 21, I definitely think I've outgrown holidays with my parents but this one has been totally different because they're treating me like an adult too. I mean I've said 'crap' several times now, and Mum just isn't rising to it like she used to. Probably Sophie's fault - after saying 'its not my fault we were brought up on "fucking hellfire"' I think Mum reassessed the offensiveness of 'crap'. That's what's great about having a sibling, let them annoy your parents so that your less shocking behaviour appears glorious, works every time.  However, I haven't spoken to anyone under 45 in 4 days now and I will be glad to be home, although I'm having a good time with Mum and Dad :)

See you all at home - PS St Ann's Avenue enjoy your postcard!!

One of those posts...

Do you think the last person who said they loved you meant it?

Given that it was my Dad, I bloody hope so!!

Would you date an 18 year old at the stage you are now?

No, only my age or above now. Most of them are too immature.

Would you ever smile at a stranger?

Yeah! Why not makes their day a little happier J

Is anyone mad at you for talking to the one you’re dating?

Not dating anyone really so nope

Have you heard a song that reminds you of anyone today?

Yeah, Wreckin Bar and If You Wanna by The Vaccines, reminds me of mine and Emily’s nights out. Good times, good memories!!!

What exactly are you wearing right now?

(For Rosie and Emily) OMG me tooo!! I’ve got my knickers on, my bra, some tights AND my blue dress with flowers on it!!

How often do you listen to music?

Everyday

Do you wear jeans or sweatpants more?

Rarely wear jeans, only for work really. Never wear sweatpants.

Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with a B?

No

What about S?

No

Can you drive a stick shift?

After being assured by Rosie that this is not a pornographic reference (Americans…) but in fact a manual car, yes I can drive a stick shift.

Do you care if people talk badly about you?

Who honestly doesn’t? But someone will always do it anyway, may as well get on with life! No one can please everyone.

When was the last time you cried?

A couple of months back

Have you ever told someone you loved them?

Yeah. I also tell my friends when drunk, apparently did the rounds on grad night. Better than being a sad or angry drunk I suppose!

Would you ever change your eye colour?

No, I used to really want green eyes, and have often wished my eyes were slightly lighter because I look stoned a lot of the time apparently! Haha! But no, I think I’d find it weird to change after 21 years.

Is there a boy you would do absolutely anything for?

No, except for my Dad – legend!

Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.

AS4 at Trinity – aka death sauna, apart from that its been cracking!

Is it cute when a guy kisses you on the forehead?

Aw gee :*)

Are you dating the last person you talked to?

Emily? Does marriage on the book of Faces count?

What are you sitting on?

A garden chair – soaking some sun J

Does anyone apart from family tell you they love you regularly?

No, apart from when I come out with the usual ridiculous shite

Have you ever wanted someone you can’t have?

Long time ago

Who was the last person you spoke to before going to bed last night?

Josh, about how soaked his jumper was after Emily’s get your own back style showerhead supersoaking extravaganza! Was a bit funny though!

Do you get a lot of colds?

I seem to save them up till September then have them all at once!

Where is the shirt you’re wearing from?

It’s a dress, from New Look

Does anyone hate you?

Most probably but personally I think its too much effort to hate someone, it means thinking about them more often!

Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden in your room?

No, wouldn’t hide them if I did

Do you like watching scary movies?

Yes and no. Only if the scary thing gets its arse kicked, then it can’t come get me in the night. Because obviously, of all the thousands of people that see the film, it would definitely be me that got murdered. 

Definitely, because it knows I know…

Do you want your tongue pierced?

No

If you had to delete one year of your life completely what would it be?

14 years old, but there are some things I’d want to keep.

Did you have a dream last night?

Don’t remember one

When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

Thursday night, to my Grandma after she made tea

Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

I don’t plan to, these things just happen eventually. Could happily go another 10 years and I wouldn’t be that fussed.

Do you think someone has feelings for you?

Not that I’m greatly aware of

Do you think someone is thinking of you right now?

Obviously because I’m Liv Thornton. Probs not.

Did you have a good day yesterday?

Yeah was good! Started the subject booster course at uni, met some lovely new people, then went to Leeds and dyed my hair bright orange, had a lovely tea cooked by Will and Em, then had some evening banter before bed. Good times!

2 months ago, were you in a relationship?

No

In the next 48 hours will you hang out with a guy?

Yeah, I live with one

Has anyone told you they never want to lose you?

Not really

Do you have any pictures on Facebook?

Plenty, many of them embarrassing, though I’m past caring tbh!!

Do you replay things that have happened in your head?

Too much sometimes, but I think most people are guilty of the same crime

Were you single over the last summer?

No

Do you ever pass notes at school?

Yep, just yesters in fact

Is your life anything like it was two years ago?

Very very different, I’ve grown up a lot! Graduated, met soo many amazing new people, and about to start teaching!

What are you supposed to be doing right now?

Answering GCSE questions on Islam! Mayyyybe later ;)

Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?

No he’s dead lovely

Are you nice to everyone?

I’d never make anyone feel like crap on purpose, its low

Do you think you could last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

Tried and tested. I couldn’t do that to someone.

Are you good at hiding your feelings?

No, I totally wear my heart on my sleeve

Do you think you like someone?

Not especially

Have you kissed someone whose name begins with a T?

Yep a few

Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?

A healthy balance of both is best

Have anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?

Currently trying to think of ones that haven’t! How embarrassing!

How’s your heart?

Ticking away nicely thanks!

Is there something in your past you hate talking about?

Not really, things I’d rather avoid, but life’s always gonna be crap sometimes, it’s the good things that make the bad worth dealing with J

Have you ever cried over a guy

Yeah, find me a (straight) girl that hasn’t

Are your toenails painted pink?

No, I prefer red

Will your next kiss be a mistake?

I don’t know yet do I?

Have your pants ever fallen down in public?

No, but my skirt has blown up, Marilyn made it look amazing, I looked like an utter imbecile with my Kermit knickers on..

Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

Sophie my beautiful sister!

How do you look right now?

Ginger, and smokinnnnn. No but I do look ginger, and probs a bit greasy from the sun – so attractive!!

Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?

Many!

Can you commit to one person?

Yes, but I’m not bothered about that at the moment

Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

Yeah, Josh is like my bro!

Are relationships ever worth it?

Absolutely

Currently wanting to see anyone?

Ness, Tanya, and Sophie

Name something you have to do tomorrow?

Go see Batman!

Last person you cried in front of?

Probably Rosie and Emily

Is there someone you will never forget?

Yeah, many people close to me

What would you be doing if your favourite person was with you?

Probs enjoying a nice chilled Kopparberg in the sun whilst having a nice catch up

Are you over your past?

I’m thinking yes J

Have you ever liked one of your friends of the opposite sex?

Yep

The last person you kissed turns up at your door at 3am, what do you do?

Shut the door and enjoy a nice sleep

Have you ever liked someone your friends hated?

No

Will you be in a relationship within 2 months?

Doubt it, not looking

Do you know anyone called Michael?

Uncle Mickey, and a few others

Have you ever kissed a Matthew?

No

Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?

Yes, I had a relationship with Ben & Jerry’s. We’re still together, a match made in heaven.

Who were the last 6 people to text you?

Tanya, Tom, Ness, Mum and Emily

Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

Yes

Who’s in your profile picture with you?

Me

Ever kissed under fireworks?

Nope but that does sound pretty cool

Graduation Day

Good afternoon!

Just to update you I had my graduation ceremony the other day, and I actually think it was one of the best days of my life. It wasn’t what I expected it to be in a way, because at the start of first year I thought we’d all be graduating together, but some friends have left uni, others will be graduating later and others now live abroad!

I have to say that the ceremony itself felt really strange, firstly because I didn’t know what to expect, and secondly because sitting there in those robes on what seemed like a very grand occasion didn’t feel very related to panic mode ‘night before’ essay writing, results days, house viewings, 9am lectures, consoling friends over break ups, learning to cook, or the banter of the Chaplaincy, SU, and nights out we all shared together.

Having said that, I never felt so proud of myself that day, and having all our hard work acknowledged was so so worth all the stress of the last three years which have hands down been the best of my life. It sounds kind of cheesy but I went to uni as a teenage girl and left as a young woman ready to pursue a career goal.

 One of the most poignant moments of the day for me was when my Dad said how proud he was of me and even got a bit teary which I did not expect, given that he never really took a great interest in my academic achievements, even telling me an RS degree was a bad idea at A Level, but I think I changed his mind ;)

I‘m so glad I went to the ceremony because I might never see some of those people again, but I certainly know who I’m going to stay in touch with. I’ve made friends for life, and I bloody love you lot. Thanks so much for really being there for me, laughing at as well as with me, and providing serious memories! Also, it wouldn’t have been the same without Rosie there, I’m so glad she came!

After the ceremony and photography my family went for some drinks at Nation of Shopkeepers then joined up with Emily’s family for a meal together at Giraffe and then went home to number 29 (aka Houseparty HQ of the last 6 months – why IS it always at ours?!), then after some tunage and alcohol consumage went out to Call Lane followed by Revs, where I somehow lost my phone due to my great skills in life.

So a few days later and we have the pictures, and I have a shiny new phone. Rosie is dying of some kind of airborne disease and is in a quarantined environment, plenty of Subways have been consumed, and I’m off to my Grandma and Grandad’s for the last Thursday tea before schools break up.

For anyone interested, I resumed my usual behaviour after the formalities concluded...

That may explain why I lost my phone then.... Why are my family proud of me again?!

Oops! Congrats to everyone else who also graduated, turns out we're a bit clever after all.

Thanks for reading!

PS. This is my lovely family. Also thanks to James at Sugarbird Photography for doing mine and Em's photos. He's on Facey so check him out if you like the photos (obvs not included the demented one of me because that one is definitely not a quality snapshot!).

Leaving Retirement!

I’m coming out of retirement, and I cannot be fucked with the old blog challenge thing btw before anyone asks. I’m too busy to be doing it everyday!!

I’ve had a busy couple of weeks, worked a bit, gained a 2:1 degree, gained a housemate, been burgled (again), passed my driving test, y’know the usual..

Also went to a PGCE welcome meeting which was really good, feeling so excited to start my course now, and far less scared. Everyone seems really nice on the course which is really reassuring!

Having got my driving licence I can now afford to actually do stuff from next month which is really good, and I’m going on holiday in August so I’m looking forward to that too!

I’ve spent loads of times with my friends too, adding Josh, Ash and Gareth to our blend of girliness at no. 29 which has been a good laugh. Seeing all my friends trying to get jobs has kind of opened my eyes to the fact that having a degree doesn’t necessarily make getting a job easier, as well as the fact that huge amounts of debt accrue over the course of a degree. For many people I think getting a degree is a way of putting off entering the real world because it has felt a bit like being in sixth form but without your mum around. I have to say that if I didn’t want to be a teacher I don’t think it would have helped me a great deal. Of course I have loved uni, so much and I’ve learned so much more than academic knowledge, and really I think these things are just as important to being well rounded individuals. So for me, no regrets really, although knowing the PGCE will cost 9k does make me wince a little when reading Student Finance correspondence.

Day 4: Ways to win my heart...

I'm actually cringing about this post slightly if I'm honest because thinking about it, it is a bit cheesy. I find it difficult to write about something when I'm not especially wanting anyone to win my heart these days. I'm quite happy as I am for the most part :)

• Cook a really good meal – preferably involving salmon of some kind! Fish pie, salmon steak, cheesy pasta bake with peas and salmon, nomanomanom!!
• Listen to me. Sometimes you feel like you’re on a date and they’re just bombarding you with everything about their lives and that you can’t get a word in edgeways. Also, when I say I’m not interested, I’m very sorry but that’s what I mean. I don’t mean that in a few months I might change my mind. I really hate the thought of leading someone on.
• Let me listen. I really miss someone telling me the simple things like how their day’s been, what worries them, a stupid thing that happened or a good film they saw. Don’t be a piece of furniture! Talk to me, but don’t over dominate.
• Be patient with me. I worry a lot, and often overthink things. For everyone who has put up with me – thankyou, I know it can make being around me a royal pain in the bum.
• Be yourself. Massive cliché, but if you can make stupid faces and do daft impressions of people in front of me on a wander round Leeds, then it will win you more points with me than taking me out for a fancy meal. I’m not really used to the proper ‘dating’ thing if I’m truly honest.

Thanks for bearing with me through the rollercoaster of cliches and cheesiness, but I suppose I have to have a sprinkling of typical posts among the ones I've tried to make more interesting!

Oh and I love it when the other person smiles while kissing you.

Ok that's it for this evening :)

Day 3: It's Jess!

Ok so I took a day off... I was working all day then I went out for a few drinks. Saturday was my day of blogging rest!

Right, I have to say that the TV character that reminds me most of myself is Jess from New Girl.

Probably because she’s absolutely nuts, and is a teacher, which is what I want to do. She’s very eccentric and whilst she is considerably weirder than I am, sometimes the things that she does, or what she worries about are the same things as mine.

My interior monologue is a bit like her life, except she actually does the things I think about doing! She’s also whilst very embarrassing, very likable and I’d like to think that for all the stupid things I’ve done/do that most people like me too!

I’d actually love to go on holiday inside her mind for the day, even if she is a fictional character.

Day 2: Tuuunes!

So day 2 and the subject is my 3 favourite songs. This was a lot harder to do than I imagined because obviously I know thousands of songs, may of which are amazing as they remind me of times, places and people and are generally good songs. But these songs are my favourite of the moment so you'll just have to make do with what's here:

• The Chain by Fleetwood Mac. I love this song for various reasons. Firstly because it reminds me of being a child as my Dad used to play this song, secondly because it is just a good song that builds up and up and they don't really make music anymore that strikes me in the same way as that song, and thirdly because some of my uni mates share a mutual appreciation of the song which makes us go a bit nuts when it comes on, and its in my nature to go a bit nuts sometimes!! 

• Borders by The Sunshine Underground. This is just a bloody good song. Its so catchy and whenever it comes on I again go a bit mental. Its my favorite TSU song and I like how the lyrics come across really clearly while the tune is still pretty upbeat and there's a lot of other things going on. 

• When We Wake by Blood Red Shoes. This song is so simple. It has a handful of lyrics that are repeated while the music builds up behind it so it puts across the message of the song really strongly. I think Laura-Mary's voice is so beautiful at the start of the song and its a tone you don't hear much of in the rest of the album as most of it is loud and crazy and guitar filled.

So that's it folks! I hope you enjoyed my post, even if you totally disagree with me! I felt so bad for missing out some of my other favourite songs but feel pretty happy with my choices.

Day 1: My Room

So, 5 things I see in my room every day.

• Pictures of the important people and events in my life. This is one of about 4 areas in my room. People from home, family and uni mates are all up! My favourites are the ones of me and my sister as kids because yo can tell even back then that she was the one that took care of me. How cute!

• iPod. An essential item and one of my favourite possessions. I listen to it nearly every day. It has frequent visits to my handbag.

• My perfume stash because I like to smell tasty! Consists of Daisy by Marc Jacobs, Soap & Glory Original Pink, Live by J-Lo, Purr by Katy Perry (donated from Ness – HAVE to get a full bottle!!) and Tommy Girl by Tommy Hilfiger.

• Laundry basket. Just a reminder of all the thrilling things I can do on a rainy day! Such as today... I hate being a grown up.

• Stash of LUSH products. Extends into a big drawer, and the bathroom… I have lip balms, shower gels, shampoos and conditioners, massage bars, dusting powder, bath bombs, moisturiser and the list could continue.

So, I managed to show you the least cluttered parts of my room.. I love my uni room its so much more me than my room back at my parents, mainly because it has my stuff in, and I don't have to worry about my Mum seeing things. Not that its littered with dildos or anything haha!! I can just put what I want on the walls and do whatever I want with it. 

Anyway, cheers for reading Day 1! Tomorrow will be on my favourite songs. Liv x

Totally Robbed from Fenwick!

So I'm also doing a 30 day blog challenge seeing as I have hardly anything to do over summer except work and let my brain turn to slush! I've chosen a different set of questions though so mutual readers don't get fed up of reading similar posts! My list is from various sources including my own head. I hope people find it interesting, I'll just have to see if I can keep up with it!!

1. 5 things you see in your room everyday
2. 3 of your favourite songs
3. Which TV character reminds you most of yourself
4. Ways to win your heart
5. Bad habits
6. How many bras do you own? What sort of underwear do you choose to wear?
7. Greatest regret
8. What is always in your handbag?
9. What would you say to an ex if you bumped into them?
10. What is your best feature?
11. Greatest turn offs
12. How do you see yourself in 10 years?
13. The ethics of blogging
14. 8 Reasons to hate you
15. 5 things you want to accomplish this year
16. Do you believe in ‘The One’?
17. A song that makes you cry
18. 10 things few people know about you
19. Favourite/most memorable lyrics
20. Explain your wardrobe – dress in two extremes and post pictures
21. Nights out: Heels vs. flats?
22. What would you do with your last £20?
23. If Harry Potter was real what house would you be in and why?
24. Do you think you can tell something about a person by their handwriting?
25. What is your opinion on moustaches?
26. What were you like as a child?
27. 8 things that help you through life
28. Three things you regret about 2012
29. Four things you’ve loved about 2012
30. What would your last meal consist of?

I realise that this initial post isn't that enthralling but I'll try make every post worth reading! Any suggestions of ones to swap/change are also welcome! Cheers! Liv x

Change

I've been thinking about how next year will change me, or rather how much I will have to change.
I really don't want to stop being me. I don't really know how to explain what 'me' is except for that those who know me well will know perhaps more than I do what I'm like. I'm hardly averse to the whole change thing but so much change has happened since I came to uni in every way that I'm craving some form of stability. I'm tired of to'ing and fro'ing between Leeds and Bradford (where my room is frozen in time from my 18 year old occupancy) and I just want to feel settled in one job, one house, with one person, or friends if that doesn't happen!

Change can often be a healthy thing but I'd like something to remain stable for more than a year. I've moved house (lots!), lost and gained friends, lost faith, gained a degree, shopped at Morrisons instead of Asda and many other boring things.

I know that I'll have to be more responsible, more organised, more confident, but I feel hesitant at the thought of becoming more serious. I still want to have fun and I don't want the job to become my life. I suppose that I've wanted to do it for so long that the thought of a 'grown up job' just makes me take stock of how ungrown up I feel.

General things I like:

1. Zipwires
2. Shopping
3. Dressing up and going out
4.  Doing silly voices

Is it me, or does this sound like a typical teacher to you? Maybe I'm just worrying too much as usual.
I don't know if this is a normal concern of PGCE students but I'm feeling less than swish about the whole thing in general. If I can't do it, what else do I do? Is anyone else shitting themselves or is it just me?

Being 'Beautiful'

This is something I've noticed since becoming single and I really hope that I won't be misunderstood because it is a fine line issue.
Hear me out.

Right, so picture the scene, you're out with a friend, just a girl mate, having a laugh, good tunes on just dancing about being stupid and you literally can't lose each other because you have one phone between you. So basically you AREN'T interested in pulling. No thanks, just isn't on the cards. No matter what realm of heaven you have descended from, how long you have spent in the gym, how many times you have won Masterchef, or how many times you've seen (insert cool band name here) backstage and been invited to their mum's for tea.

So there we are, all loving the tunes etc. and quite a good looking guy with two mates comes dancing over, and after telling him my name is 'Olivia' (because people hear Liv as Liz or Lynn - or alternatively go 'what the fuck kind of name is 'Liv'?') which he confuses for Eleanor, and then Elizabeth anyway, I have to write the bloody thing into his phone so he can actually read my name for himself.

This was met with:

1. 'What a pretty name'
2. 'You're so beautiful'
3. 'I bet you've had to reject every guy in here tonight'

I'm not really sure what was going through his head but I can safely say each compliment got worse because each sounded more cheesy and cringeworthy than the last. Coupled with the fact that this guy later announced that he was 26 made it worse because I thought these cheesy chat up lines may have diminished from his repertoire by that age.

I know girls apparently like to be told they're beautiful or whatever but for me, the less I get complimented the more I like a man. If I'm told how beautiful I am, how amazing, awesome, hot, sexy or whatever else within the first 5 minutes, or date, chances are that the guy won't get a second date or even a first one if they've boomed all that out within a first encounter. It freaks me the fuck out all that too much too soon stuff. 

I don't know if it's just me but it just sounds insincere, or if the guy is actually sincere it scares me that they've put me on a pedestal and all I will do is disappoint them. Some guys can be really lovely and play out the balance just right and I certainly think these guys exist, there just becomes a point when it becomes overkill.

Especially when 10 minutes later they ask 'what's your name again'? Twice...

Wishlist Issues and Head Music

Liv's Wishlist:
1) A leather jacket - would look kickass with my denim dress and red lips!

2) A car!

3) The ability to see my sister more than once every three months.

4) Superpowers.

The first 3 can be solved with money, but if I could choose an actual superpower, well I think I'd be quite stuck actually. I mean look at all the problems:

•  Mind reading - paranoia - I could take drugs and get the same effects, and think I had superpowers.
• Shape shifting - I'd never be happy with my figure, and I think I'd forget what I looked like to start with.
• Foresight - you'd never have a surprise again, part of the beauty of life is the mystery! How can you learn from your mistakes if you never make them? Avoiding making mistakes isn't living.
•  Time travel - we've all seen Back to the Future, but we've also seen Doctor Who. Knowing me, I would die, and my body would be lost in Victorian intergalactica.
•  Flying - now that would actually be pretty cool, unless you hit an eagle, or a plane. Unless you were made of titanium, then it could work.
• Infallible memory - I'd constantly have to pretend I was stupid - but it would save on revision. I would save one whole day. Maybe it isn't really worth it?
• Super Flexibility - I'm hypermobile, I'm halfway already! I'm destined for arthritis as it is. Why make it worse?

I think I'd really like it if you could plug earphones into someone's head so that when they remember a song but don't know who its by, you could just plug in and listen. I think it'd bea good way of getting to know someone, and might fill awkward silences. I dunno, I'm rambling, but I do think that would be what I'd choose..

So if someone plugged into my head atm I think they'd hear something like:

• We Are Scientists - You Should Learn - because me and Emily listen to it all the time.
• The Sunshine Underground - Borders - choooon!
• Catfish & The Bottlemen - Collide
• The Music - The People

Thankyou and Goodnight

I keep getting these weird moments where I go all funny about the end of uni.

Like in my last exam whilst I was writing I kept having weird flashbacks of the last 3 years and while I was sitting at our table for the grad ball I just thought how much I didn’t want to lose touch with those I was sat with. I wanted to say so much to each of them about how much they meant to me and about what we’ve each been through but of course its just so cheesy so I thought this would suffice instead. (Please bear in mind I’m tipsy and its after 3am…)

I can’t actually describe what the last 3 years has meant to me but I’d like to say that my biggest regret is that it didn’t last longer. Every single person I’ve met, without exception has been a privilege to meet and I wish everyone the greatest success in whatever they decide to do, even if they haven’t graduated yet!! (ahem Rosie – and of course others!) This has hands down been the best three years of my life and I have learned so much about myself. There have been major ups, major downs, major stresses and major hangovers but thankyou so much to every single person who listened, laughed with and at me, passed me tissues when the old ones got filled with snot, and took pictures of the best moments, and created them with me. I don’t regret meeting a soul, I truly mean that. Life’s too short for petty arguments, ain’t nobody got time fo’dat!

I suppose that I’ve been truly myself with my uni friends which I can’t say I feel is possible in all other areas of my life. There’s sometimes that weird thing where people just don’t get you which I sometimes think people feel like with me.

However, although I don’t really know how others perceive me, I hope that my sort of existence in univille has been of at least a little importance for some people. Thanks so much to everyone for making my time at uni so memorable and I hope to God you don’t end up just another face on Facebook. I love you lot.

And I’m going to bed now. Word vomit terminated.

Faking happiness

I’m starting to struggle for topics, but a random blog generator churned this topic out after about 26 clicks which I found interesting, so here goes!

Faking happiness. Is that a bad thing?

Not if you're these guys!

Seriously though, no I don’t really think it is always a bad thing. If you feel really low, and you have nothing to be happy about, faking happiness, whilst being insincere in the short term isn’t really a bad thing. If its all you have in the world that makes you feel human, then of course it isn’t a bad thing. Some people say that on the road out of clinical depression faking happiness is the first step. Faking it is better than being depressed.

Faking happiness shouldn’t be a failsafe mask for stuff going on underneath. 

I challenge you to find one person who is truly and utterly happy. Its ok if you aren't! We all have doubts, insecurities and fears that creep in occasionally to question our happiness. My opinion is that the way you address these things influences what makes us happy. Ignoring your feelings will never resolve them, it just makes them all the more deep seated.

Apologies for the crude example, but it’s just like faking an orgasm really – they think they’ve done a great job and it gets ‘it’ over with if that’s what you want, but later on you’ll have to have the awkward conversation where next time you have to tell them what to do. You still have to deal with it.

It’s the same with deadlines. Not looking at your calendar won’t make it go away.

Sometimes, by letting something out of your system by addressing it can help you to stop faking your happiness and moving on to actual happiness. You have to question why you want to hide this stuff away, why you want to fake happiness. Is it for you or is it because you don’t want others to think of you as vulnerable? For a lot of people the second answer is true.

Whatever the reasons are for faking happiness in the first place, it is rarely fulfilling and I only ever see it as a short term fix before you feel strong enough to deal with why you started pretending to feel ok.

On a lighter note, I fed some ducks and ate some ice cream today, and I have an actual tan for the first time ever!!! Does anyone know why all drawings and pictures of ducks are yellow? Have you ever seen a real life yellow duck? What is that about?

Misc Messages to Misc People

1. I’ve never really understood you properly, but I know you’d do anything for anyone. I think there’s a lot I will never know about you, but you’re one of the most genuine and loyal people I’ve ever had the fortune of spending time with. If flat caps were cool I’d borrow one off you.
2. I love you so much and can’t imagine things when you go. You make me laugh without meaning to, and if I could ever aspire to grow older in someone’s footsteps, I’d pick you, even if you do moon over your wedding photos….
3. As I’ve got older I think you’ve really got to appreciate me as my own person and you never put me off my ambitions even though you didn’t always understand them. You remind me more of myself all the time, and you seem to know exactly what to say to make it better every time. But next time, please don’t tell me about your sexual experiences, it makes me feel like Jim from American Pie.
4. I’d never wish sadness upon you. I know we’ll never agree, but maybe one day we’ll agree to disagree.
5. Thanks for all the times you have listened to me and rationalised my thoughts. No matter how old I get, I’ll always need you. Thanks for pushing me out of my comfort zone, it was the best thing you ever did.
6. You’ll always be my ‘best friend’ no matter how little we see of each other. You’re the most hilarious and ridiculous person I’ve ever met. I wish I could go on holiday to Neverland with you. GRAB IT!
7. I hope you come to realise that you affect people so much with what you do and say. I love you, but I can’t say you’ve made me proud. I wish you’d let us help you. You’ve taught me how I don’t want to be, and that can be more helpful than anything sometimes.
8. Although we barely knew each other, I know you were loved very much. I hope I’ve made you proud, and I think about you every day of my life. Skipping ropes, alphabetti letters and ketchup in glass bottles remind me of you.
9. GROUP – Thanks for letting me reveal my ridiculous personality and revealing yours to me. Thanks for just being there and putting up with my stupidity.
10. No one knows me better. You’re like another version of me, but different in so many ways. I miss you so much, even though your time management is shocking! 4am Skype call yes??

Thanks m'lovelies

Basically I’m writing this to say thanks to all the people who were so amazing in supporting me last week when things with my dissertation went pear shaped. I’m so totally grateful to everyone who was there, whether they provided chocolate and energy drinks, tissues, sound advice, an extension form, or any other possible form of emotional support! Thanks, it didn’t go unnoticed and I really appreciate it, its helped motivate me to get the bloody thing finished! I can’t really say why I ended up in the position I did but there were several contributing factors that are too soul baring for a little blog like mine.

I’m nearly there now, couple of days left, and I can’t wait till its all done J

Anyway,  apart from that hideous day I’ve had a rather nice and rather eye opening week.

I received a long overdue apology which was much appreciated, although I had long since forgiven the person who apologised. It made me glad I had already done so, because if I’d hung around expecting that apology then a considerable amount of my time at uni would have been tarnished.

We went out dressed as Alice in Wonderland characters!

I did a wedding photoshoot which was very exciting! Despite the wind, I really enjoyed the day, and got to see Emily’s neck of the woods J It was really really weird to see myself in a wedding dress but the pictures seemed to come out not too hideous! 

I went to the last Pubology of my time at uni, which was really weird. Sitting in the pub, I was thinking that this was one of the last times we’d all be together like that as a group.  I really hope we stay in touch.

Other things made me smile too, but I won’t ramble about them just yet. Not until all this work is done and I can start enjoying my freedom. We’ll see what summer has in store ;)

Grown Up Wisdom to Myself at 18!

And so here we are again.

Middle of the night, a deadline is looming and I’m writing another blog post again because I mull things over at night rather a lot and think about dying my hair, or how much money I can survive on this month, or other times deeper things.

Whilst my house has been something of a heartbreak hotel this last semester, the dynamics have changed immensely in part due to that, but in other ways due to one of our housemates leaving, and another becoming pregnant – congratulations on the bean Deb and Dec now I can actually talk about it since everyone knows! (The‘when things change’ post was about the bean J) Anyway, for so long I’ve been scared of growing up, and being truly responsible, but I’m beginning to think that might actually be not so scary after hearing about everybody else making plans too. I’m not far away from passing my driving test, graduating, becoming a teacher and earning a salary in a real job. And I’m quite excited about that now! Its taken so long to dawn on me that just because I’ll be a teacher doesn’t mean that’s the end of my fun, at least after the PGCE. Growing up doesn't mean I can't still be young at heart :)

 I love my housemates so so SO much and despite knowing them for 3 whole years I feel that we’ve learnt more about each other in the last 3 months than ever before. We’ve had an amazing rollercoaster of craziness happen to us, with the best nights of my life, a hurricane of feline behaviour, immense pressure from deadlines and in other ways too, and I really know I can’t ever lose touch with them because whilst my friends from home are amazing, my uni friends will definitely be lifelong friends too. I’ve also started talking more to some of my close friends from first year and realised just how much we’ve all changed, and for the good. 

We have grown up so much and there are so many things I wish I could have told our Fresher selves:

·         Seize every opportunity you’re given – sing at Karaoke, or run for President.

·         Lighten up! You’re too serious!

·         You will end up more straight than lesbian – who’d have thought it!! Or vice versa in other cases!

·         The canteen is, and will always be, shit. The portion sizes, the opening times. Yeah, that won’t improve. Most of the time, all you can buy is Mars Bars and Relentless at double the RRP of anywhere else.

·         Get a nose piercing, you’ll want one by third year and then it’ll be too late because you’ll have to take it out to apply for jobs!

·         Trinity is like Emmerdale – a tiny island of inbreds where everyone knows your business, and most of it is passed around incorrectly! Pinch of salt, every time!

·         You’ll cry over a bacon sandwich, and sing about chicken.

·         Finding a free computer in the 24 hour IT lab is a bit like knowing you’ve got lucky but having a suspicion it might have Chlamydia.

·         There will come a day when Arrow will let you down. Hereafter, Amber will begin an affair with your ‘Recently Dialled’ list. You may have brief affairs with other firms however.

·         You can’t make everyone like you, and you certainly shouldn’t have to. Some like ‘those’ from school actually make it to uni, so just expect to encounter some complete twats!

       Misfits work amazingly in a friend group – try their favourite night out, you might actually enjoy it, despite snogging someone later likened to Jafar from Aladdin. BIT farfetched guys, but whatever!