Am I There Yet?!

There comes a point in your life when you start to realise that you’ve grown up. Or maybe you haven't quite got there yet.

I was talking to Freda (the principal of Trinity) today, and I was saying that so many people think that once they’re 18, that’s it, you’re grown up. My opinion is that actually, that isn’t true. I mean technically in the eyes of the law you’re an adult: you can marry without parental consent, drink alcohol, smoke, move abroad, buy a house, a car, and all those other ‘grown up’ things that people expect an adult to engage with on some level. But really, its what goes on in your head that makes you an adult. After 18, there’s so so much more growing up still to do. Physically I've changed a lot since going to uni, the first picture is from Freshers Week in first year, and the second one from a few weeks ago, but I've changed far more on the inside.

Of course, no matter how old I get I’m sure I’ll still retain elements of silliness, as most people do, but I’m not going to tell you I’m a ‘grown up’ or whatever because I don’t think I am yet. The truth is, that growing up scares me, even though I’m technically already there. Physically, I’m obviously a woman rather than a girl, and talk to adults all the time about ‘grown up’ things in intelligent conversation. (By that I mean a conversation about stuff you wouldn’t be able to talk to a kid about, I don’t normally go home and discuss Ockham’s Razor with my Dad over a caviar supper!!) The truth is that many people are so desperate to prove they’re a grown up, rather than enjoying being the age they are. This is something I have noticed from being about 16 and I still notice it among people of my age.

Being in your early twenties is a very strange time, and I find it more challenging than being a teenager. You spend most of your teenage years telling everyone how grown up you are, but now you have to step up to the mark and prove it. Young people have a lot on their shoulders. We must get ‘real’ jobs, and aim for promotions, we must pay rent or mortgages (the latter if you got the promotion), bills, buy food (and the right kind), do well in studies (if that’s what you’re doing), maintain relationships (including familial responsibilities, and maintaining contact with old and new friends), look ‘good’ whilst having no money, and many other things. All this while undergoing arguably the greatest emotional rollercoaster of your life so far, and a lovely £30,000 student debt, and a reminder that ‘you need to think about getting on the property ladder soon’. Oh my God, I’m 21, 3 years ago my Mum still insisted on making me a packed lunch.. Its a bit like looking up at a load of balloons you're carrying and seeing them all as little expectations you need to fulfil.

You will also likely receive comments such as ‘oh you are looking skinny, what are you eating these days?’, ‘remember to set your alarm for work this Saturday’, ‘Don’t you have any work to be getting on with?’, ‘I strongly disagree with all these piercings you have, and is a tattoo really a good idea?’ (I may as well tell them it will be a tasteful LUFC on my forehead, followed by past sexual partners on my left bum cheek), ‘How much did all that cost you, you really should be watching the pennies’, and my personal favourite, ‘what time will you be home?’, despite the fact that on any other night out at uni, I could roll in at 6am with a chlamydia ridden gentleman whose name  don’t know, and have unprotected sex whilst royally wasted, and on heroin. I don’t actually do that, but I’m just playing Devil’s Advocate, or maybe I just hide it very well…?!

I do all the boring adult things like buy loo roll, clean toilets, do the laundry, can cut peppers (yeahh that’s been questioned…!), and get assignments done on time etc. It’s the actual other stuff that shits me up. Things like, being a teacher and being responsible for other people’s futures, getting married, having kids, all that stuff FREAKS me out. In some ways I feel very much an adult but the REAL stuff really really scares me. Will I one day be capable of all that stuff? I think really that the answer is yes, but its still scary because I know I’m still not fully grown up yet.  I sometimes wonder if I just think about it all too much, which I probably do.

To break up the serious stuff here's a list of things the ‘grown ups’ do:

1.       Pretend they don’t like getting pissed anymore when really, they miss the golden days.

2.       Pretend to know everything about politics, in graphic detail, but won’t admit that all they know are that the blues are the posh ones everyone hates, the reds messed up a bit but everyone still likes them, and the yellows just make the tea for the blues.

3.       Pretend to know all about wine, and usually buy the £15 one that got reduced so that they don’t look like a cheapskate and maintain a sense of classiness a la Co-op price slash

4.       Watch the news, ALL THE TIME, if in doubt, put the news on (perhaps so that when the politics conversations happen they can look like they know what they’re on about) I mean I watch the news, but this is another level.

5.       Shit themselves when they realise the day has come that their kids are smarter than them

6.       Say ‘what is this shite’ when you put some decent music on, then 3 months later tell all your mates that they introduced you to that band in the first place when they see the light (MR ALAN THORNTON)

Anyway, back to my original point of dependency. I still need my parents and I’m not ashamed to admit it, it isn’t a bad thing because you’ll always need them to some degree. I don’t need my Mum to wash my clothes, clean my room, cook my tea, make sure I’ve done my work etc because that’s what I learnt when I thought I’d grown up the first time round. I do need them to tell me I can do the next bit though, and give me a kick up the arse to actually do it with confidence. I feel like I’ve been forced into adulthood a little although I always knew it was coming. I suppose my pipe dream of being a teacher is actually going to happen, and soon. I always had a vision of a grown up Liv, exuding confidence, wisdom and sophistication, when actually, I doubt my confidence, there are holes in my wisdom that need patching up, and I don’t look so sophisticated when I’ve got a great big spot on my chin and my work clothes are all too bloody big because of stressful times (much to the annoyance of my sister)!

When you’re a kid you think the adult you will have it down and be super cool and sexy and successful, when sometimes you look like this.

 As a child imagining your future, you don’t factor flaws into your adult life, and when you realise they exist there aint nothing you can do but try your best to iron them out and include them on your ‘weaknesses’ list in case you get asked it at any one of the many interviews you’ll likely have to go for.

God, all that sounds really depressing! I mean normally I do feel ok about the future, but every so often I think people get a bit like this about the whole growing up thing and are scared to talk about it. At the edge of the cliff, the only thing you can do is turn round and walk back the way you came, or take the plunge and jump off.

NB Metaphorical cliff, I would not take that advice on the edge of a real cliff!

Basically, its ok if you fuck up (well it’s not really, you will feel like crap with flies on it at least for a while). In the end the ones who matter will always be there to help you work out what Plan B is. Your Mum might start by making you a nice cup of tea!

Purple

So.... you may as well resign yourselves to the fact that I will be writing about music at some point in the near future, I just keep thinking of other things that I want to talk about.

This last week or so, I've done things I've not done in ages, like get a new piercing, spent loads on clothes and spoiling myself, and dyed my hair a weird colour. I'm planning a new tattoo but its going to need a fair bit of thought. I'd forgotten that old side to me that had weird hair and got piercings really, but I quite liked it. I'm completely different in many ways to the version of myself that arrived at uni almost 3 years ago, but I'm so much the same. At the same time, whilst my hair is pink at the ends and I still have sprinklings of ink and metal, I look different to the first time I did it.

Throughout my journey through uni I'd like to say I've been as positive as I can be, because that's how I feel most of the time. As mentioned in previous posts, I have seen first hand what a lifetime of negativity brings to someone and those around them (again, as I said before, no one of my generation, or even the one above that) and I have promised myself I will never be negative if I can be positive about something. I don't like complaining about stuff, and luckily for me I have little to complain about. I realise that complaining about people that complain is something of a contradiction but I hope I'll be forgiven!

I have a fair bit of work to complete still, but its a degree! I knew it would be hard, and wallowing will get me nowhere except depressed about it. I'd rather have a workload, than a workload and stress about the workload. Come back to me in a month and I'll tell you crap it is then! Haha!

The first part to this year has not been the best, but I've felt swish today. Maybe purple hair does something to your head? I've got spring fever or something, not like an illness, but excited about spring and the baby chickens and lambs and the easter Bunny and the weather and all that. And speculating about our summer plans including holidays, can't wait!

I'm sooooo looking forward to the weekend, I'm seeing my sister tomorrow who is arguably the best friend I've ever had, no one knows me so well, and its my Grandma's 80^th birthday tomorrow, I have a holiday off work for it, and will see all the family. Can't freaking wait!!!

Key points: Keep smiling, silence the whining.

Oh and this is me and one of my cousins, we've all had a nice little evening!

One for the Girls!

I will be writing a post on music soon, but I want to do it properly, so for today I’m just going to talk about other stuff.

I know that loads of people won’t find this that interesting but today I’m going to talk about products and brands I like for cosmetics, hair, and fragrance etc. 

It isn’t intended to be a review or whatever, just telling you basically what I like and why J

So, what do I like to smell of? I only have a few perfumes, and my staple fragrance is ‘Daisy’ by Marc Jacobs because I love how fresh it smells without being too sharp, it still smells girly and a bit flowery without being too insipid. I have a bottle of this in Leeds and at my parent’s house because I love it so much. I also love the ‘Original Pink’ by Soap & Glory and love this brand as a whole. This is a much sharper fragrance but again still smells very fresh and feminine. I actually wear this more than Daisy recently.  At my Mum’s I also have ‘Live’ by J-Lo, and, much as I hate admitting I wear celebrity perfumes, if it smells good, then why the hell not? I used to wear this mainly throughout Sixth Form and got loads of compliments on how I smelt.

So, make up. Anyone who knows me will know how much I love my make up. If I lost my make up bag(s!) it would cost me about £300 to replace it all, which might suggest I go for high end stuff but not at all! I love high street make up, especially Boots 17, which I get most of my stuff from. Their eye shadows, lipsticks, mascara, bronzer and blusher are all very good.

 Being naturally blonde, and very pale, I rarely wear eyeliner, but if I do it’ll be gunmetal, dark green or very dark blue so it looks a little more subtle.

17 is horrendous for foundation for me, and I really wouldn’t recommend their stuff if you have pale skin like mine. They do a tinted moisturiser which I can get away with, but the palest shade they manufacture in anything else makes me look like an Oompa Loompa, not cool. So I tend to use Colour Supplements from Lush. ‘Jackie Oates’, whilst being an extremely pale shade is my favourite, and works really well if I’m going for a more vintage day look, whereas on a night out I’ll use the ‘Light Pink’, because it gives a bit of colour and is more heavy on the skin for better coverage. Sometimes I mix them together. These can also be used with moisturiser for a lighter look, or as concealer so are very versatile. I have also used Rimmel for foundation in the past and been very happy with their ‘Ivory’ shade which is spot on. I don’t like my skin to look matte because my skin can be dry in places, so I go for a dewy sort of finish espesh on the cheeks, which looks far more natural.

I have quite high cheekbones, so I like to accentuate them with a pinkish toned blusher to match my skin tone, but occasionally use bronzer if I need a bit more colour. I also define my eyebrows so that they look relatively dark in comparison to my blonde hair, but I like this contrast as it brings out my features more. A Scouse Brow is too far, but a brown pencil again by 17 creates the look I like without being too harsh, or a dark brown eyeshadow creates a more subtle look.

I have a huge range of eyeshadows, from bright blues, greens, oranges and purples, right the way through to darker tones like black, grey, browns etc, and I use a shimmery gold eyeshadow as a highlighter on the brow and above the cheekbones (this can also be used to slim the nose). I find 17 very good for bright colours, along with Barry M, and use ‘Shimmer Cubes’ from the Body Shop too, which are very expensive, but are great quality and last a long time. My housemate has also recently introduced me to Primer Potion from Urban Decay and I now need this in my life! It freezes your eyeshadow in place so you don’t get the nasty creases where your make up gathers by the end of the night (or day)!

For mascara, I’m very picky. I have really long eyelashes and like to make them stand out, so I tend to have at least 4 mascaras on the go at any one time. I tend to find that the brush is more important than the actual mascara, but the clumpiness of new mascara really annoys me. When I find a brush I like, I tend to keep the empty mascara but dip the brush into a new pot to get the look I like. However, generally speaking I tend to go for Rimmel, or 17. I did once go for a George one when the loan was running short, but had an emotional day and ended up looking like Count Dracula and the Joker’s fucked up love child combined with an A to Z map, I have never known mascara run like it!

For nail varnish I tend to go with Barry M, as I have a weird allergy to certain brands and it gives me a lovely rash! Nice it of scabies there for you.. Anyway, I like bright reds, oranges, pinks, golds, greens and blues, and they do a great range of really eye catching colours, so there you go.

Oh my God what a marathon!! Right, in terms of hair, I’ll wash it with anything but find that Loreal (because I’m worth it, all £3.47 of it) works great for me, and doesn’t strip my hair to bits. It gets dead knotty and tangled, so I HAVE to use a conditioner or risk the birds nest factor, and yeah, its just good stuff really, espesh the ‘Nourish & Shimmer’ one in the goldish bottle, smells nice too, which is always a good start!! My hair’s really straight so I tend to curl it, or go over the top layer to kill flyaways and make it shiny shiny, very shiny with Toni & Guy superthin plates straighteners because I like the curls to look more natural, which these achieve and because I’m frankly too skint for GHDs and to me, they’re just as good, and cost £17.50 from Argos, and we all like a bargain. I don’t really anything else on my hair except I crimp the roots for volume sometimes, and use dry Shampoo for volume. Baptiste XXL volume is fab for this, its my new wonder product, and the whiteness helps to hide roots for blondes who lighten their hair a bit.

Wow I’ve written loads! I know most guys won’t be interested in this post but maybe some ladywomenpeople will be! In other news, I’m dip-dyeing my hair violet and pink for tonight so that should be fun, but first I’d best get back to the portfolio I need to finish! Cheers for reading, as ever I appreciate it J

PS. And here is my face - stolen from my Twitter! Just in case anyone reads this who doesn't know me much and wonders what all that slap actually makes me look like!

We All Do It!

We all do it in the secrecy of our own homes, sometimes on our own, sometimes with others. Some may have even done it in the library! Afterwards we feel very naughty and feel like perhaps we shouldn’t have done it. But it’s a bad habit, and it can bring so much sordid pleasure.

I’m actually talking about procrastination.  Its true though.

There are countless ways to procrastinate, and writing a blog is one of them. Facebook is another. Catch up telly is another popular option. What many of you though I was writing about above is potentially another option for some! Cleaning is another great one, because it makes it seem like you’re doing something good rather than watching an episode of ‘Faking It’ circa 2002, which I am ashamed to admit, I have resorted to procrastinating with in the past. WHY?

Why do people do it? Well because it helps us to put off all the important stuff we have to do with pointless things. Technically speaking, one might argue that it is a very intelligent practice given the ‘balance’ so many students so carefully maintain between trivial and vital encounters with life’s tests. Procrastinators are highly skilled beings, given that they still work to deadlines, just very tight ones – we’d make excellent journalists! Of course, I can now her the voice of my mother in my head ‘Olivia, have you got any work you could be doing?’. Yes, Mother, I am doing a degree, I will ALWAYS have some work to do. Being a teacher I guess it has been instilled within her to ask me if I have some work to be doing, but it is this that actually gets me off my bum to the desk of doom where I trawl out sentences of varying academic quality in the hopes of ticking off another of my assignments from THE LIST.

THE LIST is my friend when I defeat it, but right now, it is looking at me rather daringly, so maybe I’d better go and whittle away at it.

Oh, I had to put this status in from my sister, but it proves that her and I are most definitely related:

"After 624million clicks on the refresh button, stalking everyones photo's, looking up and attempting to do the shortcuts on Mario Kart, making several drinks, washing up, sudoko, more Mario Kart, eating copious amounts of food that I didnt even want, picking my split ends..I have come to the conclusion that I should take a look at the essay titles which I was given a month ago. Due in tomorrow, cant procrastinate any further".

Mama T

Today's post is in the spirit of the occasion, about Mums, and particularly, mine.

My Mum has been there for me from literally day one, and has seen me at my best and worst. I am fortunate in that we have a good relationship and get on well, which is something I have never taken for granted. There is little that I couldn't tell my Mum, and she has been patient with me in listening to and supporting me through tough times, but has also shared in my successes. I'd like to say that my Mum is proud of me, although like everyone, I've made mistakes, and as she doesn't think the sun shines out of my backside she will always tell me when I've been wrong, and has brought me up to apologise for any mistakes right from before I can even remember. Including when I catapulted Ready Brek into my sister's eye about 15 years ago for chewing Weetabix with her mouth open (which was a bit naughty but really funny at the time (for me anyway...)).

This is one of the things I love the most about my parents, they are happy to share in my successes and support me in my troubles, but have never let me or my sister get away with anything if they think we're wrong, and neither of us have been spoilt. I've had various jobs since I was twelve and I see my parents both working hard which gave me a similar work ethic. It sounds like the cheesiest thing EVER but I love my Mum so much and I know I'll always need her in some way no matter how old I get.

Mum brought us up Catholic, which although I am no longer really part of, I believe it was a formative part of my character and encouraged me to treat others in a certain way, with general open-mindedness and respectfulness of people's beliefs and opinions. She taught me that if you want something you have to earn it, be that qualifications, respect, love, money or any other thing.

Mum made me and Sophie 'please and thankyou' kids, which I love, and will be stubborn about with my own kids. Quite genuinely, one of my goals in life is to make my Mum proud of me, because I'm so proud of her for everything she does. The thought of ever losing my Mum seems like a horrific prospect, but hopefully that will be a long time in the future. Having said that, it can never be a given that everyone will live to old old age, and so everytime I see my Mum or speak on the phone I try to make sure that I tell her I love her just so she knows I do appreciate what she does for me.

There are other people in my life that have been like a mother to me, and I never forget what these people have done for me. My Grandma, and my Aunties have been wonderful to me and are part of some of my best memories and have been there for me without reservation.

Favourite things about Mum:

Her Harry Potter glasses from times past

Whenever I'm hungry, she'll always tell me we have bread, or cereal. She also only EVER buys ginger biscuits.

The hideous matching dresses she put me and Sohie in - they were bloody awful but still its funny looking back.

Aluuuuurn.

Even though I'm 21 she still makes me a packed lunch if I'm back home for placement, and I don't even have to ask.

The silly faces and dances she does.


Mother Dearest, Marma(lade), you probs won't read this but I want you to know you're a massive legend and I appreciate all the crap you put up with from me, it doesn't go unnoticed! Lavyoo :) Liv x

10 Years Time

I’m not going to discuss the elephant in the room, it’s a waste of my energy, and as I’ve said I’m not going to talk about it, I’m actually going to stay true to my word.

So today, me and the girls went to Headingley and I decided to get a new piercing just as you do! It’s a lobe piercing but slightly further up if you know what I mean? It still doesn’t really hurt but I know it will kill like a beast in the morning, just in time for work, lovely!!

We were talking in the pub about what we’ll be doing in 10 years and about what we’ll be doing, where we’ll be living, who we’ll be with, if we’ll have kids yet and all that jazz. We basically settled on the fact that seeing as so much can change in just one year, that we have basically no idea what it will be like, but its still fun to speculate! Rosie will be a star in the West End, Emily will be teaching indigenous tribes people about Buddhism in Australia, and I‘ll have released an album under a pseudonym, but be teaching on the side. Of course, this is all speculation we don't actually have a clue what we'll be doing except for probably teaching, maybe?

Perhaps I‘ll be better at getting up on a morning? Or maybe not. I hope I will be.

I don’t think I’ll be a vegetarian though. 

Liv's a Nutcase

Before I get into stuff properly can I just say that I was really shocked by how many people read my blog yesterday! Whatever reason you read what I write, its really crazy when you find out so many people have read it. Whatever you think of me for writing, I only seek to be genuine and honest, and so if people like that I suppose it is a good sign!

So it seems to be that I enjoy writing the most at night, seeing as I’ve had the day for things to pop into the porridge in my skull. So, I’m going to write about something close to home, but without spilling all the beans. While it is a personal matter, in person I am generally happy to speak about the topic in order to break down negative assumptions. I am not ashamed of this, despite the fact it can intrude into my life more than I sometimes wish it to. Having said that, please don’t question me about it just because I’ve written about it because it is still a private matter. 

I will tell you what I am comfortable to tell.

Many people don’t actually know this about me, because I don’t shout it from the rooftops and often seem quite confident, but I have a history of anxiety disorder. This is not me, but it is a part of me and that is what I tell myself when things get on top of me. It sounds official, and BIG and ‘serious’ and bad on your CV, but really, it’s just something that has been in my past. It sounds far worse than it is, honestly. Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, and is something that 1 in 4 people will experience in some way in just one year. So therefore, every 4 years, chances are, you’ll be on the spectrum (very generally speaking of course!!). So, everyone’s a bit mental then right?

I don’t have to declare it everywhere I go, it has never interfered with my work or studies and it is something I just kind of have to deal with, a bit like if you need to go to the loo more often than some. It has not stopped me from doing anything. I have done speeches infront of hundreds of people and done well, got very good GCSEs, A Levels, and am on course for a good degree, and heading towards a career in teaching, all being completely open about the matter, going through patches of anxiety along the way. I have learnt that I just have a nervous disposition, and instead of putting myself down each time I lapse, I see it as another success each time I defeat it. It has made me strong and more comfortable and secure in my skin each time I recover because I can see how far I’ve come each time I get better. I believe that little will ever compare to my lowest point of anxiety which lasted the best part of a year. That ended about 7 years ago now, but at the time it was absolutely crap.

I understand that for other people who don’t get it, it is very difficult to get their heads around. People who have become close to me before have backed away when I relapse, when all I actually need is a good kick up the backside to get back to rationality and a touch of positive encouragement. I basically feel very very low, sick, constantly nervous even to eat, and shaky. My family know the strange quirks and triggers of it, so they’re fantastic at supporting me, and now my relapses only tend to last a couple of weeks before I snap myself out of it. It is very weird, and I will worry about lots of things, but have never had to resort to medication before. I have had counselling though, which is a very loaded term. All I can say about the great mystery is that you literally just talk to someone who knows how to deal with your temporarily shit life, and that, for me, it worked. Counselling is nothing to be ashamed or afraid of, does not affect career prospects, and is essentially like talking to a friend for advice, which we all do everyday.

It’s ok to assume things about people with mental illnesses or histories of it, but largely speaking it could be anyone, your boss, your teacher, your boyfriend, your mum, even you.

 It could be you, one day. 

We don’t all swing from chandeliers, have thousands of eyeballs in jars, live in white padded rooms, shout at randomers in the street, or any other strange activity. We also don’t attend meetings where we say ‘Hi I’m Liv, and I’m a nutpot. It has been 5 weeks since my last psychomania’. It just doesn’t work like that. People with mental illnesses can be people who get stressed, or feel sad, or feel scared, which we all feel from time to time. They probably need a hug and to be told it won’t last forever because it never does! Of course, some people have very serious mental illnesses, but the spectrum is vast and so can include literally anyone. I’ve had two lapses to speak of since I began uni, and both resulted in people of various proximity to me leaving my life because I don’t think they fully understood it. I do not blame anyone for this because I just don’t. I don’t think they knew what to do and that isn’t a crime. All I usually need is support and willpower and I got it, I’m always recovered pretty quick these days because through past treatment I can manage it myself now without proper counselling.

That is why I’m not embarrassed to admit I have anxiety because I can deal with it, and it isn’t a bad thing, I was just born this way, and anyone who has recovered from such episodes will tell you how strong you have to be to tell your own mind to get a grip and through sheer willpower just force yourself to get over it. I’m genuinely so proud to have got over this stumbling block even though I know I’ll probably have to do it again because I know how hard I’ve found it, and it has been the greatest challenge I’ve ever beaten.

Cheesy as I know, but I’m serious. Mental illness should not be seen as taboo, because chances are, we’ll all have to cope with hard times one day or another, or see someone else go through it. If you get offered counselling, go! If medication will help you, take it, because chances are it will help and certainly doesn’t make you any less of a person. It takes buckets of courage to admit there’s a problem, and I know that from experience that when you get better, you ‘ll feel so glad you accepted the problem, and dealt with it.

So yeah, very personal, very deep today, but its something I hope might change a few opinions or assumptions, or help someone who is struggling. Next post will be more light hearted!

When Things Change

Sometimes I write about things and I don’t know how people are going to interpret them. Sometimes I write about things that are about my direct life and other times the topic is a general thing I notice is relevant to a friend, many people or situations. Basically I’m saying that things shouldn’t be read in a certain way because I might not mean what you think. It occasionally annoys me that people are reading into things something that just isn't there, so please bear this in mind for past and future posts. If you want to assume certain things about me, then go ahead, but bear in mind that you might be wrong. Anyway, lets move on.

Sometimes things happen in life that are totally unexpected and can change the course of your future entirely. These changes can range from a minor, to a cataclysmic impact. They may seem like the absolute worst thing that could ever happen and that we can never possibly come to terms with the consequences, or envisage the new future we are about to be thrown into.

However, the reality of the matter is that while there are steps that can be taken to make life far more like you expected it to be, we can choose to embrace this change and see it as a good thing that was simply meant to be. The uncertainty of the future can feel overwhelming, but then again, can we ever be sure that our grand plan was ever going to go according to plan in the first place?

For example, I’m planning to go into a career in teaching, but if everything went wrong and I dropped out for whatever reason, I have literally no idea what I would do instead, but I know I’d just find something because that’s just what you have to do to pay the bills, the rent, maintain your lifestyle. I'd just have to accept the change, and find a new path to go down, even if I wasn't sure what I was to come across. (This picture is a road we found when in Northern Ireland, I didn't take it, but it is stunning so thought I'd just pop it in as a broadly relevant image)

So often, we’re encouraged to have a master plan, and from such a young age. People have been shoehorned into the belief that the only successful ones are those with degrees, when in the current climate, we have been forced to reassess this assumption. Degrees come at a great cost, and for many bring few benefits. Of course, people can build successful and happy careers without sustained levels of higher education. My Dad left school at 16, became a chef and has been happy with his career. He enjoys serving people food he has cooked and appreciates the positive feedback he receives, while my Mum went and got a degree, became a teacher, and is also very happy. My point is that while my parents had different paths in life, and constantly argue about who has the hardest job, they are both very satisfied people, and are living proof that it doesn’t matter what you know or how many certificates you have. And having worked with both of them I can safely say they have completely different jobs, but both work hard! Sometimes I wonder who the bickering children are!!

Basically, if the shit hits the fan, and your life takes a path you didn’t anticipate, you have to work with the situation. Clean it off, accept that it has happened, and move forward knowing that you have coped with it in the way that is best for you. Whatever path your life goes, enjoy it because you only get one. Noone can tell you how to cope with your newfound situation, because it is yours. Your life is your own, and ultimately, while you can’t always predict the ways it twists and turns, you just have to turn the steering wheel accordingly.  

Propaganda and a kick up the bum

Went out last night with a few of my homebirds and ended up at Propaganda, my absolute favourite. Given that 3 of us are single it was nice to go on a girl’s night together, wasn’t that fussed but then you know..! And the tunes are goooood.

I’ve not been out with friends from home for so long, but I had such a good time! I didn’t drink really though so have no hangover today and the weather’s beaut, so all is well in the world. I’m actually feeling good this week, there’s been a few nice developments on the whole! Rather loving life.

 “Shake it out shake it out, shake it out shake it out, oh woah”! Florence speaks wise words J

I do really really have to kick myself up the bum with organisation though. My organisational skills are a bit crap atm, and with a dissertation to write I really need to get on it! So yeah –social life = flourishing, academic life = floundering. BUT I will reset the balance, guess I’ll just have to get friendly with the library, or rather the Andrew Kean Learning Centre. Why is it even called that? Seriously who decided?

She's so gorgeous, but..

Is appearance important?

We’re reminded almost daily that true beauty lies on the inside and that the ‘shell’ of our bodies is a merely superficial insight into who we really are.

It has to be said though, that appearance is important. 

Hear me out. Go for a job interview, and you’ll dress smartly, make sure you’ve had a shower and all that jazz, spritzed on your ‘fumes and applied appropriate warpaint for the occasion, because you know the drill: ‘first impressions are key, and people make up their minds about whether they like a person or not within the first ten seconds or so of meeting them’.

 In that sense then, appearance is paramount, though of course you have to have also had these essential qualities:

-Experience

-Passion for your job – even if that means saying you desire to make sandwiches forever (yes, I am a woman, but really…?) Seriously though, you just have to make yourself passionate about it.

-Team-building skills

-The ability to make a good cup of tea – NB -essential for Starbucks.

-Whatever else lights the boss’s fire

Jokes aside though, appearance is important, whether we like it or not. People make value judgements on who you are and what you’re about based on what you look like. This is just a fact of life, and whilst it isn’t ideal, its just the way it is. My point is that it isn’t everything. 

But I'm a girl who owns a lot of clothes, wears make up every day, and makes a general effort with her appearance. 

Perhaps I’m not the best person to be making this point.

Yes, fair play, I do own all of these things, but they don’t wear me, I wear them. When I get out of the shower, hair like knotted rat’s tails, no make up on etc, I’m just a blank canvas, like the rest of the world, and it gives me great pleasure to ‘accessorise’ myself the way I do. The way I look has massively changed since I went to uni, so I've experiment loads with hair cuts and colours. I started with blue hair 2 inches long, but my now natural blonde hair has now gotten long (FINALLY!!!…) enough that I can wear it in fancy updos, leave it natural, curl it, back-comb it, tie it up, wear it down, whatever I like. I have a crazy amount of make up, so I can either choose to wear none, go neutral, go retro, go rock, go fresh, go bright, the list goes on. I have all manner of clothes too and combined with everything else it means that I can change my image everyday to represent the me on the inside that everybody rightly says is so important. This is how I exercise my personality, although it isn’t everything to me. 

Some girls, (and boys too) let their images wear them, and whilst friends have joked about my ‘indie barrier’, I actually love experimenting with all kinds of images and styles just as I do with my music, especially now that I’m single, demonstrating how open minded I am about the way people should look, and how loosely I define my appearance. I have days where I'll just wear jeans and a hoodie, but usually if I'm at home, I'll wear a dress, and I'll have at least some make up on, not because I need to, but because that's just me, and how I exercise my inner identity.

Maybe we do see appearance as important, but that shouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing. However, at the end of the day, if she’s gorgeous, but a cow, or he’s sexy as, but arrogant with an ego to match, where’s the incentive to want to know them? At the end of the day, a pretty face is nothing without a decent personality to back it up with.

Why Am I Writing A Blog? The Disclaimer

Because:
I can.

Its something I enjoy.

I love writing about shit that happens to me/stories I find funny/things I remember

Its therapeutic

Other friends have blogs as well and I like to share things with them like they’ve done with me.

So, do I tell you everything?

Nope. Of course I don’t, I tell you what I’m comfortable with you knowing. It mustn’t be assumed that I put myself on a plate for online vultures, because I don’t. There are several elephants in several rooms I choose not to share just because I don’t want to. Strictly speaking I don’t feed elephants to vultures.

Generally speaking, few people truly know everything about any given person, and while I’m honest and open about things on here which some people have found questionable, not many know everything, and that’s the way it is and ought to be. I have discussed the scrapings of the bun mixture.

 Essentially, I could’ve been anyone I wanted on here, I could create a whole new persona, but I haven’t. I could be an intellectualist, a plastic girl, phantom of the opera, anything. I chose to just be me really and to be frank I can’t be bothered to be anything else. I’m not going to pretend I’m a goddess of knowledge as I find it pretentious, nor am I just another dumb blonde. I’m sort of normal, though some who know me better may beg to differ.

I’m really surprised so many people have actually read what I write and have been told that people like the frankness and honesty. The thing is I’ve always thought people should be honest anyway. When did it become an unusual thing? If you tell others where they stand without pretence, fakery or whatever else people like doing these days then chances are they’ll like you. It annoys me when people live their lives with hidden agendas, or go behind other’s backs. Basically what I don’t like is people being two-faced, even though everyone’s a bit like that sometimes. Just be straight (or gay, or bi, or whatever else you might be) with me and its good times. Its likely the same for everyone else too I’m assuming.

On this blog I'll only ever tell the truth (Sorry Professor, I must not tell lies [HP reference] ), though of course a diluted version and will be fair to myself and others. Largely speaking it is intended to be a light hearted attempt to write about sometimes deep stuff. And if it isn’t your cuppa, don’t force-feed yourself the tea. Simples.

THOSE songs

I love it when you find a song that describes EXACTLY how you feel, to the letter. It’s almost like someone has reached into your soul, plucked out the most salient and raw elements to your emotions and thoughts, and knitted them together into a whole piece that reads your mind over roughly 3 minutes. They can make you feel things you didn’t even know you felt.

People who can write songs like things are geniuses because its something not everyone can do. As I’ve said in the past I’ve tried writing stuff myself but it just doesn’t express how I’m really feeling properly. That’s why it is so amazing that other people are able to do it for you, who’ve never met you, but essentially had your experiences. Listening to songs like this puts in mind the person you’re thinking of and what you want them to know, makes you feel elated with happiness, confused about your future, or just that you’re going to have a REALLY good night. They can be about anything, but some of them really really really are scarily accurate to your life. These are the best ones.

I also love that songs are connected to memories, and people, and times in your life you can’t have back. For example, in my friend group we have ‘Academy’ songs, which date from 2009 and will always be ‘Academy songs’, until we’re pushing round our zimmers with our wrinkly tattoos and sprinkle of piercings in old age. Songs can transport you to somewhere other than where you are now, and forget your time and place for just a bit while you immerse yourself in what you’re listening to.  

Songs can be a musical tardis.

Songs can make you dance like a psycho, cry in all different ways (happy, sad, reminiscent), smile because you remember ‘that ace night back in Freshers’, wonder ‘how did it get like this’, ‘God this would be a right tune on holiday’, or even ‘this just sounds bloody good’. 

S

Sacred Snooze Button

Sleeping was seen as some sort of weakness as a 7 year old child. I remember well the days I despised going to bed, believing I was missing out on the mysterious time the ‘grown ups’ had downstairs. I didn’t know what happened but I wanted to be grown up like them, and they were staying up so why shouldn’t I? If my sister fell asleep on the sofa after school, when she woke up she’d be adamant that ‘I WAS NOT ASLEEP!’ We had it made! Spaghetti hoops, followed by biscuits then bed at 8pm – 7am.

.

Nowadays, as a student, who often does all nighters, sometime due to workloads, sometimes because my sleeping pattern’s destroyed, sleep is precious, precious time. As a self confessed snooze button junkie, I cannot get up in a morning. I’ve even tried putting my phone in a shoebox at the bedroom door to force me to be annoyed enough about getting out of bed to make the noise stop. Didn’t work.

‘Five more minutes’.

Every time.

Of course, my housemate is annoyingly good at getting out of bed. In my mind, she is woken by birdsong, glides down the stairs to open the kitchen window, through which soar bluebirds who pour her cereal, the kitten does the washing up, and if I didn’t get the Burley Park train every morning with her I’d have sworn she rode inside a horse drawn carriage to get to uni. Of course, none of this is true but I do envy her willpower for giving up the sacred snooze time. How does she do it??

Burning Money

So on a break from a colossal breakthrough on the Big D (which is 'Dissertation' before anyone thinks it's some kind of reference to a penis like my cousin did last week) I was wondering, does anyone else go in weird phases of spending money?

Sometimes when I know I really shouldn’t be spending money I just do it anyway! Like this month our bill came through and it was PAINFUL I mean really OUCH! But I still went out the week before it came and blew 100 quid on clothes in Leeds, and this is a student speaking!! (Oops did I let us down?)

Having said that, I’ve never had an overdraft facility on my account so I know I can be careful when I need to be. I do have a job and recently got 2 pay rises in one month (yes, I KNOW!! Lucky me J) so that has helped my habits considerably.

I do have a lot of clothes, 21 dresses alone, then skirts and shorts and shirts and jackets and tops and scarves (they have their own drawer – getting serious there), and of course, shoes, which I’m remarkably not bothered about, strangely. I’m not that bothered about anything flashy or designer. 

Give me a spree in H&M and I’m YOURS.

Anyway, I’m going to have to reign it in the next few months seeing as me and the ladies are going on one of those holidays abroad where you get pissed a lot before important things in your life happen. Like, hmm being a teacher for example. Its actually quite weird that some people out there will only be a year older than the oldest kids I’ll end up teaching. Ew. We’ll basically be like the Inbetweeners, but without paying 50 euros for crapping on the floor, the bad dancing, or being eaten by ants whilst passed out, and we’ll be girls not boys. That’s the plan anyway. We don’t know where we’re jetting to yet, but sun, sea, and a dose of the male variety would do us all nicely!

We’re all totally different, actually there is 5 of us so we could be like the Spice Girls but a really shit version? I think I’d be Sunburnt Spice! That actually is a serious possibility, I can’t be skedaddling without my Factor 40. Maybe we could call ourselves Five Spice, like from out of your kitchen cupboard…

Being 5 again.

I was talking to my driving instructor the other day about our earliest childhood memories, before getting to a massive roundabout and cutting all conversation due to fear.

Its weird what your brain chooses to remember. I mean, I don’t remember my first day at school, but I do remember nursery, and weird things that happened there like getting a purple mouse stamp from the headteacher, arguing that the Billy Goats Gruff consisted of a mum a dad and a baby goat in front of EVERYONE (which is actually wrong! Haha), looking for my cousin who was hiding because she weed herself, telling my Dad that I would love my  4 year old ‘boyfriend’ Ahmed forever and other stuff.

I also remember demanding to smell my Mum’s hands after she came back from the loo once, because I ‘had to check these things’. I was eating jam on toast at the time. I remember this awful jumper I had to wear of which there were MANY. 90s kids did not, and will not ever be perceived as dressed in a cool way.

I also remember going to my Grandma Rowe’s every week for tea (which still happens :D) and always having angel delight for pudding. So tonight, I dug to the back of my cupboard and found some and made it.

 Instantly 5 again!

It’s weird that when you’re little you don’t know what the stand out moments are supposed to be, so you just remember the funny, random stuff. I sometimes wish I could do it all again- then I remember my teenage years and think again... D:

Graduation

So we all received our graduation letters today!
It feels like its actually gonna happen now, after years of work.

It's been the best time of my life has uni, but it kind of feels strange that now I'll be plunged into a potentially lifelong career until I'm in my 60s. No one prepares you for the finality of this moment. Throughout the whole of education you're waiting to move on to the next step, be that 'big school', high school, sixth form, college or uni, and then suddenly you're out there in the world.

It's a bit like teetering on the edge of a cliff and daring yourself to jump off. We all will of course, but before we do, its a bit bizarre!

Facebook Issues.

Sometimes I think social networking sites can be great.

Sometimes I think social networking sites are awful.

If you need to arrange a get together fast and don’t have everybody’s number then it can be the greatest invention known to man. On the other hand if you have an essay due in, you know that: 

the word count on your status will be greater than that of your essay. This is a fact.

It can be very manipulating in many areas of life. Friendships are altered in that people you used to know in ‘real life’ become further away because no one feels the need to catch up because everyone already knows everything that’s been happening for them, so why give them a call?

Relationships too present a problem concerning Facebook. 

People reach a point where things become ‘Facebook Official’ 

(yes, capital F and O letters means it’s a big deal).

Facebook Officiality means you’re both at a point where you want over 500+/- people to know you have a new squeeze, and set yourself up for the potential future embarrassing statement of ‘……is now single’ (+little red heart next to it). This is always followed by ‘oh hunnn I’m here 4u u knw where I am baaaaabe’ from someone you haven’t seen in at least 6 years, and don’t actually know where they are because they’ve probably moved house since then. I actually think maybe we’d all be better off if none of us displays this information, because those two people know where they stand with each other, why should everyone else need to? I feel that when I’m in my next relationship I will give it more thought before probably doing the same again, conforming, and just putting it up there anyway.

Other times, we discover that elements of trust are also vital when using Facebook whilst in a relationship. We can choose to do something bad and not get found out. The lines between friends and something more can become blurred. Many people also do not trust their partners even when they've done nothing at all. The potential risks make some people very concerned, and can be destructive when there is no need. 

So in light of all this, will I be deleting my Facebook account? No, are you crackers, I have a dissertation looming, and I'll only find another way to procrastinate.

2012

Its mental how fast time's going, I mean we're in March now!
Crazy times. This year's going to be so so busy and transformative. By the end of the year if all things go to plan, I'll have had a nice long summer holiday with the girls, graduated, started PGCE, and be halfway there to being a teacher!

Mental!


Apart from that, that's basically all I know.
I'm hoping everything else will have settled down a bit, I'm sure it will have done, but its a bit daunting.
Today, in my driving lesson (which are going really well now!) I feel all summery and I actually can't wait to be sitting in a beer garden with friends and just soaking in the sun and running away from the wasps (good exercise people...) and just enjoying long summer days.

Tomorrow it will probably rain, but for today I'm in a really good mood :)