Liv's a Nutcase

Before I get into stuff properly can I just say that I was really shocked by how many people read my blog yesterday! Whatever reason you read what I write, its really crazy when you find out so many people have read it. Whatever you think of me for writing, I only seek to be genuine and honest, and so if people like that I suppose it is a good sign!

So it seems to be that I enjoy writing the most at night, seeing as I’ve had the day for things to pop into the porridge in my skull. So, I’m going to write about something close to home, but without spilling all the beans. While it is a personal matter, in person I am generally happy to speak about the topic in order to break down negative assumptions. I am not ashamed of this, despite the fact it can intrude into my life more than I sometimes wish it to. Having said that, please don’t question me about it just because I’ve written about it because it is still a private matter. 

I will tell you what I am comfortable to tell.

Many people don’t actually know this about me, because I don’t shout it from the rooftops and often seem quite confident, but I have a history of anxiety disorder. This is not me, but it is a part of me and that is what I tell myself when things get on top of me. It sounds official, and BIG and ‘serious’ and bad on your CV, but really, it’s just something that has been in my past. It sounds far worse than it is, honestly. Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, and is something that 1 in 4 people will experience in some way in just one year. So therefore, every 4 years, chances are, you’ll be on the spectrum (very generally speaking of course!!). So, everyone’s a bit mental then right?

I don’t have to declare it everywhere I go, it has never interfered with my work or studies and it is something I just kind of have to deal with, a bit like if you need to go to the loo more often than some. It has not stopped me from doing anything. I have done speeches infront of hundreds of people and done well, got very good GCSEs, A Levels, and am on course for a good degree, and heading towards a career in teaching, all being completely open about the matter, going through patches of anxiety along the way. I have learnt that I just have a nervous disposition, and instead of putting myself down each time I lapse, I see it as another success each time I defeat it. It has made me strong and more comfortable and secure in my skin each time I recover because I can see how far I’ve come each time I get better. I believe that little will ever compare to my lowest point of anxiety which lasted the best part of a year. That ended about 7 years ago now, but at the time it was absolutely crap.

I understand that for other people who don’t get it, it is very difficult to get their heads around. People who have become close to me before have backed away when I relapse, when all I actually need is a good kick up the backside to get back to rationality and a touch of positive encouragement. I basically feel very very low, sick, constantly nervous even to eat, and shaky. My family know the strange quirks and triggers of it, so they’re fantastic at supporting me, and now my relapses only tend to last a couple of weeks before I snap myself out of it. It is very weird, and I will worry about lots of things, but have never had to resort to medication before. I have had counselling though, which is a very loaded term. All I can say about the great mystery is that you literally just talk to someone who knows how to deal with your temporarily shit life, and that, for me, it worked. Counselling is nothing to be ashamed or afraid of, does not affect career prospects, and is essentially like talking to a friend for advice, which we all do everyday.

It’s ok to assume things about people with mental illnesses or histories of it, but largely speaking it could be anyone, your boss, your teacher, your boyfriend, your mum, even you.

 It could be you, one day. 

We don’t all swing from chandeliers, have thousands of eyeballs in jars, live in white padded rooms, shout at randomers in the street, or any other strange activity. We also don’t attend meetings where we say ‘Hi I’m Liv, and I’m a nutpot. It has been 5 weeks since my last psychomania’. It just doesn’t work like that. People with mental illnesses can be people who get stressed, or feel sad, or feel scared, which we all feel from time to time. They probably need a hug and to be told it won’t last forever because it never does! Of course, some people have very serious mental illnesses, but the spectrum is vast and so can include literally anyone. I’ve had two lapses to speak of since I began uni, and both resulted in people of various proximity to me leaving my life because I don’t think they fully understood it. I do not blame anyone for this because I just don’t. I don’t think they knew what to do and that isn’t a crime. All I usually need is support and willpower and I got it, I’m always recovered pretty quick these days because through past treatment I can manage it myself now without proper counselling.

That is why I’m not embarrassed to admit I have anxiety because I can deal with it, and it isn’t a bad thing, I was just born this way, and anyone who has recovered from such episodes will tell you how strong you have to be to tell your own mind to get a grip and through sheer willpower just force yourself to get over it. I’m genuinely so proud to have got over this stumbling block even though I know I’ll probably have to do it again because I know how hard I’ve found it, and it has been the greatest challenge I’ve ever beaten.

Cheesy as I know, but I’m serious. Mental illness should not be seen as taboo, because chances are, we’ll all have to cope with hard times one day or another, or see someone else go through it. If you get offered counselling, go! If medication will help you, take it, because chances are it will help and certainly doesn’t make you any less of a person. It takes buckets of courage to admit there’s a problem, and I know that from experience that when you get better, you ‘ll feel so glad you accepted the problem, and dealt with it.

So yeah, very personal, very deep today, but its something I hope might change a few opinions or assumptions, or help someone who is struggling. Next post will be more light hearted!