Am I There Yet?!

There comes a point in your life when you start to realise that you’ve grown up. Or maybe you haven't quite got there yet.

I was talking to Freda (the principal of Trinity) today, and I was saying that so many people think that once they’re 18, that’s it, you’re grown up. My opinion is that actually, that isn’t true. I mean technically in the eyes of the law you’re an adult: you can marry without parental consent, drink alcohol, smoke, move abroad, buy a house, a car, and all those other ‘grown up’ things that people expect an adult to engage with on some level. But really, its what goes on in your head that makes you an adult. After 18, there’s so so much more growing up still to do. Physically I've changed a lot since going to uni, the first picture is from Freshers Week in first year, and the second one from a few weeks ago, but I've changed far more on the inside.

Of course, no matter how old I get I’m sure I’ll still retain elements of silliness, as most people do, but I’m not going to tell you I’m a ‘grown up’ or whatever because I don’t think I am yet. The truth is, that growing up scares me, even though I’m technically already there. Physically, I’m obviously a woman rather than a girl, and talk to adults all the time about ‘grown up’ things in intelligent conversation. (By that I mean a conversation about stuff you wouldn’t be able to talk to a kid about, I don’t normally go home and discuss Ockham’s Razor with my Dad over a caviar supper!!) The truth is that many people are so desperate to prove they’re a grown up, rather than enjoying being the age they are. This is something I have noticed from being about 16 and I still notice it among people of my age.

Being in your early twenties is a very strange time, and I find it more challenging than being a teenager. You spend most of your teenage years telling everyone how grown up you are, but now you have to step up to the mark and prove it. Young people have a lot on their shoulders. We must get ‘real’ jobs, and aim for promotions, we must pay rent or mortgages (the latter if you got the promotion), bills, buy food (and the right kind), do well in studies (if that’s what you’re doing), maintain relationships (including familial responsibilities, and maintaining contact with old and new friends), look ‘good’ whilst having no money, and many other things. All this while undergoing arguably the greatest emotional rollercoaster of your life so far, and a lovely £30,000 student debt, and a reminder that ‘you need to think about getting on the property ladder soon’. Oh my God, I’m 21, 3 years ago my Mum still insisted on making me a packed lunch.. Its a bit like looking up at a load of balloons you're carrying and seeing them all as little expectations you need to fulfil.

You will also likely receive comments such as ‘oh you are looking skinny, what are you eating these days?’, ‘remember to set your alarm for work this Saturday’, ‘Don’t you have any work to be getting on with?’, ‘I strongly disagree with all these piercings you have, and is a tattoo really a good idea?’ (I may as well tell them it will be a tasteful LUFC on my forehead, followed by past sexual partners on my left bum cheek), ‘How much did all that cost you, you really should be watching the pennies’, and my personal favourite, ‘what time will you be home?’, despite the fact that on any other night out at uni, I could roll in at 6am with a chlamydia ridden gentleman whose name  don’t know, and have unprotected sex whilst royally wasted, and on heroin. I don’t actually do that, but I’m just playing Devil’s Advocate, or maybe I just hide it very well…?!

I do all the boring adult things like buy loo roll, clean toilets, do the laundry, can cut peppers (yeahh that’s been questioned…!), and get assignments done on time etc. It’s the actual other stuff that shits me up. Things like, being a teacher and being responsible for other people’s futures, getting married, having kids, all that stuff FREAKS me out. In some ways I feel very much an adult but the REAL stuff really really scares me. Will I one day be capable of all that stuff? I think really that the answer is yes, but its still scary because I know I’m still not fully grown up yet.  I sometimes wonder if I just think about it all too much, which I probably do.

To break up the serious stuff here's a list of things the ‘grown ups’ do:

1.       Pretend they don’t like getting pissed anymore when really, they miss the golden days.

2.       Pretend to know everything about politics, in graphic detail, but won’t admit that all they know are that the blues are the posh ones everyone hates, the reds messed up a bit but everyone still likes them, and the yellows just make the tea for the blues.

3.       Pretend to know all about wine, and usually buy the £15 one that got reduced so that they don’t look like a cheapskate and maintain a sense of classiness a la Co-op price slash

4.       Watch the news, ALL THE TIME, if in doubt, put the news on (perhaps so that when the politics conversations happen they can look like they know what they’re on about) I mean I watch the news, but this is another level.

5.       Shit themselves when they realise the day has come that their kids are smarter than them

6.       Say ‘what is this shite’ when you put some decent music on, then 3 months later tell all your mates that they introduced you to that band in the first place when they see the light (MR ALAN THORNTON)

Anyway, back to my original point of dependency. I still need my parents and I’m not ashamed to admit it, it isn’t a bad thing because you’ll always need them to some degree. I don’t need my Mum to wash my clothes, clean my room, cook my tea, make sure I’ve done my work etc because that’s what I learnt when I thought I’d grown up the first time round. I do need them to tell me I can do the next bit though, and give me a kick up the arse to actually do it with confidence. I feel like I’ve been forced into adulthood a little although I always knew it was coming. I suppose my pipe dream of being a teacher is actually going to happen, and soon. I always had a vision of a grown up Liv, exuding confidence, wisdom and sophistication, when actually, I doubt my confidence, there are holes in my wisdom that need patching up, and I don’t look so sophisticated when I’ve got a great big spot on my chin and my work clothes are all too bloody big because of stressful times (much to the annoyance of my sister)!

When you’re a kid you think the adult you will have it down and be super cool and sexy and successful, when sometimes you look like this.

 As a child imagining your future, you don’t factor flaws into your adult life, and when you realise they exist there aint nothing you can do but try your best to iron them out and include them on your ‘weaknesses’ list in case you get asked it at any one of the many interviews you’ll likely have to go for.

God, all that sounds really depressing! I mean normally I do feel ok about the future, but every so often I think people get a bit like this about the whole growing up thing and are scared to talk about it. At the edge of the cliff, the only thing you can do is turn round and walk back the way you came, or take the plunge and jump off.

NB Metaphorical cliff, I would not take that advice on the edge of a real cliff!

Basically, its ok if you fuck up (well it’s not really, you will feel like crap with flies on it at least for a while). In the end the ones who matter will always be there to help you work out what Plan B is. Your Mum might start by making you a nice cup of tea!