Custard Creams and Car Boyfriends

Today. Is it today? I’ve come to a realisation of a few things. Truth be told I feel on the cusp of being old and young. (Cos Liv hasn’t blogged about THAT before…) But seriously this time I’ve thought of actually why – a bit. More..?

Old because I’m no teenager, young because I’m far from being seen as ‘established’ as an adult. Established adults seem to have their shit together.

In the staffroom at school I feel so young and so naïve, and so overwhelmed at talking to any other teacher that I wonder if I’m in the right place at all. They seem so busy, bustling around from lesson to lesson, discussing things I have no idea about, and laughing at things I don’t understand, vaguely aware of my existence over their cups of tea and custard creams someone brought in I haven’t met yet. And they all look 50 and bring their own sandwiches, sometimes hummous. That makes me want hummous. The spicy ones are my personal favourites.

I still feel like one of the kids, but teaching is a pipe dream I’ve had for a while now. I just want my life to cohesively just - work as a unit, rather than be stuck in a strange place between study and work, waiting for lots of things, for my career to slot into place, discovering who I am and where I fit in to the whole thing along the way.

I also want to be liked, as in some silly way I feel this verifies me as a person which I know many people will find ridiculous, but not me, because I live in my head all the time. I have no idea why I’m so preoccupied with being liked because I know I’m liked, loved even by people that matter. Its not something I spend my whole life worrying about by any means, I just want to get things right with people. That makes me sound a bit pathetic, but I don’t really care because I think everyone secretly feels this way, just we all hate talking about it. Its hardly a conversation you have at the bus stop is it?

I go out at the weekend but also get my work done and that makes me a well-rounded individual right? A little fucked up perhaps but who isn’t? Not fucked up in a bad way, I mean just a bit imperfect. I’ll also (when the time is right) find a man who can appreciate all my subtleties, dispel my fears and protect me from all the hurt I could imagine. I like this general plan. I might have to cook the odd tea for him though, and suffer his annoying little ways, but he will be like my car – rough round the edges, smells interesting sometimes, yet is reliable, adorable and understanding of the things I get wrong. That sounds great to me!

So this is what was floating around my head over the last 5 hours, although most of it I deleted.  

Life as a Graduate

I know I tend to write a lot less often these days partly as I'm so busy, but today I'm going to talk about life as a graduate.

A graduate. What does that make you think of? Before uni it made me think of a really clever, 'mature person', someone who had a decent income, and knew what they wanted to do with their degree. It made me think of gowns, scrolls and mortar boards. But actually, being a graduate is nothing like that.

For me, as someone who returned to 'study'( - well is it studying? It feels more like training, but of course its that as well) I have a clear idea of what I want to do, but a decent income is yet to come. As for the image of gowns, scrolls and mortar boards, the gown was on for 5 hours, and the latter two were in my contact for all of 2 minutes while my picture was taken, and were placed and positioned on me by someone I didn't know. I may have a piece of (very sexy) paper to say I'm very clever but the gaps in my subject knowledge that have become apparent don't make me feel it yet. As for mature, well what does that even mean? We still go out most weekends and mess about in the kitchen together, do ridiculous accents and wind each other up with threats of death/general abuse and other equally amusing activities. I also have no intention of changing for a long time to come!

For others, it isn't so easy. They don't know what they want to do after graduating, and even if they did, that job probably wouldn't exist in a year after 'the funding got cut', if they even got the job which they probably wouldn't because at least 300 other people would have applied too. You see my point? Coupled with the fact that uni was so amazing and you get filled with promise in a future that may not deliver, life after uni can be a massive comedown, especially after moving back in with your parents in your twenties.

I'm counting myself lucky that I hopefully have a future in a career that will last (unless Gove decides he's going to redirect all the funding for education into a Mad Hatter's Tea Party, which would actually be a better use of his time, at least if he did that then on his day off someone could accidentally shred his plans to fuck up the education system). Anyway, all I can say to my friends that haven't been so lucky is that even if you've left uni, there are still people beyond your family who care about how you're doing. The job thing is soul destroying at times but keep going with it, we've got a reputation to keep going guys!

When all else fails, and your mum starts to nag, hand her the graduation picture and say 'does this mean you aren't proud of me anymore? Look how clever and mature I am..'.

So, PGCE, what's that like?

Ok so I haven’t done any teaching yet, that happens in a few months.

Its been really good so far though, I’ve certainly been kept on my toes with very full days and lots of work to do at home. I’ve really enjoyed my first week, the people on my course are lovely as well as the other PGCE and SCITT students from other subjects I’ve met. The tutors are also great, really engaging and great at reassuring us.

 I found out THE BIG ONE today, my placement school. It’s a Catholic one just on the other side of Leeds. I can’t wait to go on my first visit and see what its like! I think I’ll find it weird teaching in a Catholic school as it is no secret I’m lapsed (but retesting the waters with the whole religion thing) but I’m still looking forward to it and keeping my options open is something I’ve been preparing for for a while.

I also joined 3 teaching unions today, the NASUWT, NUT and ATL (teachers seem to love their acronyms) with loads of freebies like teaching planners, wall calendar, pens and highlighters etc, and one of those keyring things that has a fake pound coin for the trolley on it.

Another thing me and Em have been doing is takng in our own lunch, and saved a fortune in the process. £5 for a whole week of dinners? Can’t complain really.

All in all its been a tiring, crazy week but I’m loving it so far. I can really see how easy it is to fall behind though, so I’ve been over-compensating by becoming some kind of organisation goddess this week, I just hope the novelty doesn’t wear off!!

Cheers for reading, much lurve!