Utilitarian Fuckups.

What is it that makes us who we are?

That’s such a massive question and its something that there isn’t a definitive answer to. Of course many people will look at culture and social norms and the people around them as answers to who they are. I think that really this dodges the question as it looks to external sources to understand the internal self but that’s only my opinion.

How do we know that we really are who we are, because within a week we could be someone who feels completely different. Situations change people for better or worse and bit by bit people are changed from naivety into knowing something more about themselves, other people, and learn lessons that are important for the future.

In deep conversations with my Dad, which happen a hell of a lot more than they used to, (maybe its just we understand each other more now I’m older?) he always says that in his head he still feels the same as he did as in his twenties, just that everything around him has changed, which has led me to believe that maybe there is some essential quality to each person that remains thoughout life. Ironically, knowing you’re naïve makes you not naïve, but then we are, so it kind of goes round in a circle.

People do things when they’re young that older people may see as unwise or irresponsible and in time, that person may come to the same conclusion. I know some people in my family may frown upon several of the things I do and have done, but its my life. I don’t mean that in the typical rebellious way, I just mean that if I only did everything the older generation endorsed I wouldn’t be living my life but theirs. People have to be allowed to express themselves in a way that will not hurt others but allows them to speak their mind and be who they are. If you know what you’re doing and have rationalised the consequences of your actions and it won’t hurt yourself or others then chances are it’s the right thing to do. Jeremy Bentham and John Stuart Mill you influential bastards, you've infiltrated my midnight ramblings!

Of course sometimes people mess up and do the wrong thing, guilty as charged as we all are at some point. We don't always think rationally because emotions aren't rational. Sometimes we think we've worked out exactly what will happen and it just doesn't work out like that.The thing is that I don’t think that who someone is is a simple thing, and just because someone makes an error of judgement doesn’t make them essentially bad, it makes them just like everyone else. Unless you’re like Hitler, chances are you’re alright really. 

No one individual thing should define a person because how can you know the full picture of someone’s life and that situation except that individual? Assuming otherwise can bring no good, rather like assuming you heard right in Chinese Whispers, because you’ll only come out at the end looking the daft one who misheard the message and passed on that you’ve tried your mother’s knickers on instead of ‘I lied, I put the kettle on’ or whatever.

 I know there are people who don’t like me from various points in my life be it school, uni, or jobs etc and I know I don’t like other people. Its only when you start to think about it that it bothers you, I mean if you get 100 people to say something about you and 99 people say you’re great, chances are that you’ll focus on the 1 person who said something negative about you. It seems to be that we just work that way. Maybe we aren’t meant to like everybody and vice versa because there are enough people in the world to build strong friendships and relationships with to not have to bother making everyone like you.

No one should let one experience, physical or emotional trait, sexuality, image or person define them because all this stuff is just part of a person’s life and its so easy to forget the bigger picture of who you really are. When things seem all consuming, even when it’s a happy thing (because its not always a sad thing) it is so important to not let it consume you so that you retain that ‘thing’ of what makes you you. What I say isn’t about me telling others what to do, half the time its just me writing to myself if I’m honest! I don’t want anyone to think I’m self important because that’s exactly not what I’m trying to be. Sometimes I think my blog is useful to read back when I lose myself a bit so I write it for me although its nice when other people read it too. 

I don’t want to change for anyone, or anything, (of course beyond reasonable things like walking your bloke’s dog as a favour, or trying a new pub etc) because I’m essentially happy with who I am, but my mistakes have always kept me grounded because if I thought I was perfect I’d be disappointed every week. Thinking about it that’s one of the things about myself I would hate to lose the most.