Custard Creams and Car Boyfriends

Today. Is it today? I’ve come to a realisation of a few things. Truth be told I feel on the cusp of being old and young. (Cos Liv hasn’t blogged about THAT before…) But seriously this time I’ve thought of actually why – a bit. More..?

Old because I’m no teenager, young because I’m far from being seen as ‘established’ as an adult. Established adults seem to have their shit together.

In the staffroom at school I feel so young and so naïve, and so overwhelmed at talking to any other teacher that I wonder if I’m in the right place at all. They seem so busy, bustling around from lesson to lesson, discussing things I have no idea about, and laughing at things I don’t understand, vaguely aware of my existence over their cups of tea and custard creams someone brought in I haven’t met yet. And they all look 50 and bring their own sandwiches, sometimes hummous. That makes me want hummous. The spicy ones are my personal favourites.

I still feel like one of the kids, but teaching is a pipe dream I’ve had for a while now. I just want my life to cohesively just - work as a unit, rather than be stuck in a strange place between study and work, waiting for lots of things, for my career to slot into place, discovering who I am and where I fit in to the whole thing along the way.

I also want to be liked, as in some silly way I feel this verifies me as a person which I know many people will find ridiculous, but not me, because I live in my head all the time. I have no idea why I’m so preoccupied with being liked because I know I’m liked, loved even by people that matter. Its not something I spend my whole life worrying about by any means, I just want to get things right with people. That makes me sound a bit pathetic, but I don’t really care because I think everyone secretly feels this way, just we all hate talking about it. Its hardly a conversation you have at the bus stop is it?

I go out at the weekend but also get my work done and that makes me a well-rounded individual right? A little fucked up perhaps but who isn’t? Not fucked up in a bad way, I mean just a bit imperfect. I’ll also (when the time is right) find a man who can appreciate all my subtleties, dispel my fears and protect me from all the hurt I could imagine. I like this general plan. I might have to cook the odd tea for him though, and suffer his annoying little ways, but he will be like my car – rough round the edges, smells interesting sometimes, yet is reliable, adorable and understanding of the things I get wrong. That sounds great to me!

So this is what was floating around my head over the last 5 hours, although most of it I deleted.