Being 'Beautiful'

This is something I've noticed since becoming single and I really hope that I won't be misunderstood because it is a fine line issue.
Hear me out.

Right, so picture the scene, you're out with a friend, just a girl mate, having a laugh, good tunes on just dancing about being stupid and you literally can't lose each other because you have one phone between you. So basically you AREN'T interested in pulling. No thanks, just isn't on the cards. No matter what realm of heaven you have descended from, how long you have spent in the gym, how many times you have won Masterchef, or how many times you've seen (insert cool band name here) backstage and been invited to their mum's for tea.

So there we are, all loving the tunes etc. and quite a good looking guy with two mates comes dancing over, and after telling him my name is 'Olivia' (because people hear Liv as Liz or Lynn - or alternatively go 'what the fuck kind of name is 'Liv'?') which he confuses for Eleanor, and then Elizabeth anyway, I have to write the bloody thing into his phone so he can actually read my name for himself.

This was met with:

1. 'What a pretty name'
2. 'You're so beautiful'
3. 'I bet you've had to reject every guy in here tonight'

I'm not really sure what was going through his head but I can safely say each compliment got worse because each sounded more cheesy and cringeworthy than the last. Coupled with the fact that this guy later announced that he was 26 made it worse because I thought these cheesy chat up lines may have diminished from his repertoire by that age.

I know girls apparently like to be told they're beautiful or whatever but for me, the less I get complimented the more I like a man. If I'm told how beautiful I am, how amazing, awesome, hot, sexy or whatever else within the first 5 minutes, or date, chances are that the guy won't get a second date or even a first one if they've boomed all that out within a first encounter. It freaks me the fuck out all that too much too soon stuff. 

I don't know if it's just me but it just sounds insincere, or if the guy is actually sincere it scares me that they've put me on a pedestal and all I will do is disappoint them. Some guys can be really lovely and play out the balance just right and I certainly think these guys exist, there just becomes a point when it becomes overkill.

Especially when 10 minutes later they ask 'what's your name again'? Twice...

Wishlist Issues and Head Music

Liv's Wishlist:
1) A leather jacket - would look kickass with my denim dress and red lips!

2) A car!

3) The ability to see my sister more than once every three months.

4) Superpowers.

The first 3 can be solved with money, but if I could choose an actual superpower, well I think I'd be quite stuck actually. I mean look at all the problems:

•  Mind reading - paranoia - I could take drugs and get the same effects, and think I had superpowers.
• Shape shifting - I'd never be happy with my figure, and I think I'd forget what I looked like to start with.
• Foresight - you'd never have a surprise again, part of the beauty of life is the mystery! How can you learn from your mistakes if you never make them? Avoiding making mistakes isn't living.
•  Time travel - we've all seen Back to the Future, but we've also seen Doctor Who. Knowing me, I would die, and my body would be lost in Victorian intergalactica.
•  Flying - now that would actually be pretty cool, unless you hit an eagle, or a plane. Unless you were made of titanium, then it could work.
• Infallible memory - I'd constantly have to pretend I was stupid - but it would save on revision. I would save one whole day. Maybe it isn't really worth it?
• Super Flexibility - I'm hypermobile, I'm halfway already! I'm destined for arthritis as it is. Why make it worse?

I think I'd really like it if you could plug earphones into someone's head so that when they remember a song but don't know who its by, you could just plug in and listen. I think it'd bea good way of getting to know someone, and might fill awkward silences. I dunno, I'm rambling, but I do think that would be what I'd choose..

So if someone plugged into my head atm I think they'd hear something like:

• We Are Scientists - You Should Learn - because me and Emily listen to it all the time.
• The Sunshine Underground - Borders - choooon!
• Catfish & The Bottlemen - Collide
• The Music - The People

Thankyou and Goodnight

I keep getting these weird moments where I go all funny about the end of uni.

Like in my last exam whilst I was writing I kept having weird flashbacks of the last 3 years and while I was sitting at our table for the grad ball I just thought how much I didn’t want to lose touch with those I was sat with. I wanted to say so much to each of them about how much they meant to me and about what we’ve each been through but of course its just so cheesy so I thought this would suffice instead. (Please bear in mind I’m tipsy and its after 3am…)

I can’t actually describe what the last 3 years has meant to me but I’d like to say that my biggest regret is that it didn’t last longer. Every single person I’ve met, without exception has been a privilege to meet and I wish everyone the greatest success in whatever they decide to do, even if they haven’t graduated yet!! (ahem Rosie – and of course others!) This has hands down been the best three years of my life and I have learned so much about myself. There have been major ups, major downs, major stresses and major hangovers but thankyou so much to every single person who listened, laughed with and at me, passed me tissues when the old ones got filled with snot, and took pictures of the best moments, and created them with me. I don’t regret meeting a soul, I truly mean that. Life’s too short for petty arguments, ain’t nobody got time fo’dat!

I suppose that I’ve been truly myself with my uni friends which I can’t say I feel is possible in all other areas of my life. There’s sometimes that weird thing where people just don’t get you which I sometimes think people feel like with me.

However, although I don’t really know how others perceive me, I hope that my sort of existence in univille has been of at least a little importance for some people. Thanks so much to everyone for making my time at uni so memorable and I hope to God you don’t end up just another face on Facebook. I love you lot.

And I’m going to bed now. Word vomit terminated.

Faking happiness

I’m starting to struggle for topics, but a random blog generator churned this topic out after about 26 clicks which I found interesting, so here goes!

Faking happiness. Is that a bad thing?

Not if you're these guys!

Seriously though, no I don’t really think it is always a bad thing. If you feel really low, and you have nothing to be happy about, faking happiness, whilst being insincere in the short term isn’t really a bad thing. If its all you have in the world that makes you feel human, then of course it isn’t a bad thing. Some people say that on the road out of clinical depression faking happiness is the first step. Faking it is better than being depressed.

Faking happiness shouldn’t be a failsafe mask for stuff going on underneath. 

I challenge you to find one person who is truly and utterly happy. Its ok if you aren't! We all have doubts, insecurities and fears that creep in occasionally to question our happiness. My opinion is that the way you address these things influences what makes us happy. Ignoring your feelings will never resolve them, it just makes them all the more deep seated.

Apologies for the crude example, but it’s just like faking an orgasm really – they think they’ve done a great job and it gets ‘it’ over with if that’s what you want, but later on you’ll have to have the awkward conversation where next time you have to tell them what to do. You still have to deal with it.

It’s the same with deadlines. Not looking at your calendar won’t make it go away.

Sometimes, by letting something out of your system by addressing it can help you to stop faking your happiness and moving on to actual happiness. You have to question why you want to hide this stuff away, why you want to fake happiness. Is it for you or is it because you don’t want others to think of you as vulnerable? For a lot of people the second answer is true.

Whatever the reasons are for faking happiness in the first place, it is rarely fulfilling and I only ever see it as a short term fix before you feel strong enough to deal with why you started pretending to feel ok.

On a lighter note, I fed some ducks and ate some ice cream today, and I have an actual tan for the first time ever!!! Does anyone know why all drawings and pictures of ducks are yellow? Have you ever seen a real life yellow duck? What is that about?

Misc Messages to Misc People

1. I’ve never really understood you properly, but I know you’d do anything for anyone. I think there’s a lot I will never know about you, but you’re one of the most genuine and loyal people I’ve ever had the fortune of spending time with. If flat caps were cool I’d borrow one off you.
2. I love you so much and can’t imagine things when you go. You make me laugh without meaning to, and if I could ever aspire to grow older in someone’s footsteps, I’d pick you, even if you do moon over your wedding photos….
3. As I’ve got older I think you’ve really got to appreciate me as my own person and you never put me off my ambitions even though you didn’t always understand them. You remind me more of myself all the time, and you seem to know exactly what to say to make it better every time. But next time, please don’t tell me about your sexual experiences, it makes me feel like Jim from American Pie.
4. I’d never wish sadness upon you. I know we’ll never agree, but maybe one day we’ll agree to disagree.
5. Thanks for all the times you have listened to me and rationalised my thoughts. No matter how old I get, I’ll always need you. Thanks for pushing me out of my comfort zone, it was the best thing you ever did.
6. You’ll always be my ‘best friend’ no matter how little we see of each other. You’re the most hilarious and ridiculous person I’ve ever met. I wish I could go on holiday to Neverland with you. GRAB IT!
7. I hope you come to realise that you affect people so much with what you do and say. I love you, but I can’t say you’ve made me proud. I wish you’d let us help you. You’ve taught me how I don’t want to be, and that can be more helpful than anything sometimes.
8. Although we barely knew each other, I know you were loved very much. I hope I’ve made you proud, and I think about you every day of my life. Skipping ropes, alphabetti letters and ketchup in glass bottles remind me of you.
9. GROUP – Thanks for letting me reveal my ridiculous personality and revealing yours to me. Thanks for just being there and putting up with my stupidity.
10. No one knows me better. You’re like another version of me, but different in so many ways. I miss you so much, even though your time management is shocking! 4am Skype call yes??

Thanks m'lovelies

Basically I’m writing this to say thanks to all the people who were so amazing in supporting me last week when things with my dissertation went pear shaped. I’m so totally grateful to everyone who was there, whether they provided chocolate and energy drinks, tissues, sound advice, an extension form, or any other possible form of emotional support! Thanks, it didn’t go unnoticed and I really appreciate it, its helped motivate me to get the bloody thing finished! I can’t really say why I ended up in the position I did but there were several contributing factors that are too soul baring for a little blog like mine.

I’m nearly there now, couple of days left, and I can’t wait till its all done J

Anyway,  apart from that hideous day I’ve had a rather nice and rather eye opening week.

I received a long overdue apology which was much appreciated, although I had long since forgiven the person who apologised. It made me glad I had already done so, because if I’d hung around expecting that apology then a considerable amount of my time at uni would have been tarnished.

We went out dressed as Alice in Wonderland characters!

I did a wedding photoshoot which was very exciting! Despite the wind, I really enjoyed the day, and got to see Emily’s neck of the woods J It was really really weird to see myself in a wedding dress but the pictures seemed to come out not too hideous! 

I went to the last Pubology of my time at uni, which was really weird. Sitting in the pub, I was thinking that this was one of the last times we’d all be together like that as a group.  I really hope we stay in touch.

Other things made me smile too, but I won’t ramble about them just yet. Not until all this work is done and I can start enjoying my freedom. We’ll see what summer has in store ;)

Grown Up Wisdom to Myself at 18!

And so here we are again.

Middle of the night, a deadline is looming and I’m writing another blog post again because I mull things over at night rather a lot and think about dying my hair, or how much money I can survive on this month, or other times deeper things.

Whilst my house has been something of a heartbreak hotel this last semester, the dynamics have changed immensely in part due to that, but in other ways due to one of our housemates leaving, and another becoming pregnant – congratulations on the bean Deb and Dec now I can actually talk about it since everyone knows! (The‘when things change’ post was about the bean J) Anyway, for so long I’ve been scared of growing up, and being truly responsible, but I’m beginning to think that might actually be not so scary after hearing about everybody else making plans too. I’m not far away from passing my driving test, graduating, becoming a teacher and earning a salary in a real job. And I’m quite excited about that now! Its taken so long to dawn on me that just because I’ll be a teacher doesn’t mean that’s the end of my fun, at least after the PGCE. Growing up doesn't mean I can't still be young at heart :)

 I love my housemates so so SO much and despite knowing them for 3 whole years I feel that we’ve learnt more about each other in the last 3 months than ever before. We’ve had an amazing rollercoaster of craziness happen to us, with the best nights of my life, a hurricane of feline behaviour, immense pressure from deadlines and in other ways too, and I really know I can’t ever lose touch with them because whilst my friends from home are amazing, my uni friends will definitely be lifelong friends too. I’ve also started talking more to some of my close friends from first year and realised just how much we’ve all changed, and for the good. 

We have grown up so much and there are so many things I wish I could have told our Fresher selves:

·         Seize every opportunity you’re given – sing at Karaoke, or run for President.

·         Lighten up! You’re too serious!

·         You will end up more straight than lesbian – who’d have thought it!! Or vice versa in other cases!

·         The canteen is, and will always be, shit. The portion sizes, the opening times. Yeah, that won’t improve. Most of the time, all you can buy is Mars Bars and Relentless at double the RRP of anywhere else.

·         Get a nose piercing, you’ll want one by third year and then it’ll be too late because you’ll have to take it out to apply for jobs!

·         Trinity is like Emmerdale – a tiny island of inbreds where everyone knows your business, and most of it is passed around incorrectly! Pinch of salt, every time!

·         You’ll cry over a bacon sandwich, and sing about chicken.

·         Finding a free computer in the 24 hour IT lab is a bit like knowing you’ve got lucky but having a suspicion it might have Chlamydia.

·         There will come a day when Arrow will let you down. Hereafter, Amber will begin an affair with your ‘Recently Dialled’ list. You may have brief affairs with other firms however.

·         You can’t make everyone like you, and you certainly shouldn’t have to. Some like ‘those’ from school actually make it to uni, so just expect to encounter some complete twats!

       Misfits work amazingly in a friend group – try their favourite night out, you might actually enjoy it, despite snogging someone later likened to Jafar from Aladdin. BIT farfetched guys, but whatever!