Can't think of a title for this bollocks I still write

One thing I've come to realise and continue to be taken aback by, is the fact that we're never 'done'. We will never be complete in life's experiences until we are literally dead. That blows my mind. So why do we worry about life being complete? It just can't be. 

We could naively believe at the age of 15 that we'll have life sorted when we're 20, 25, or 30, but the reality is that life will only be sorted when you're happy and content with absolutely every aspect of your life, and who ever is? It's not that we should lower our expectations, but the constant strive for utter perfection can surely only lead to disappointment? Perfection doesn't exist. 

Disappointment with body image, career prospects, relationships, or children, or perhaps the lack of them. Nothing will ever be perfect. Work will present challenges, you may never get rid of that cellulite, or get the six pack you want, and you may never find the perfect relationship, if there is such a thing. 

Why can't we just accept that we can do or be our best, but that our best is good enough? Constant comparisons with other peoples' lives and successes on Instagram, Twitter, or their highlight reel on Facebook are never going to compare to your greasy hair and hoodie combo (especially when you're hungover). You don't know what they've been through either. The thing is, behind each updated selfie hides an individual who has chosen the best angle, best filter and best photo of them and their bae to display to your lowly self. That's another thing, when I'm actually dating/seeing/in a relationship/WHATEVER with someone, I can't say I really take many photos together because I'm usually too busy eating food, going for walks, being a massive geek, watching Netflix, living actual life with the person in question. I can't say that photo shoots are high on the agenda. In fact, in my last relationship I don't think we ever had a picture together, because we were just busy having too much fun. It's ok to do it too though, if that's you, that's you. I just think many couples compare themselves to these wondercouples, but the amount of photos you have together does not represent the bond you share with a person. 

I accept that my own life is not perfect, and that I myself am imperfect,  which is fine, but I'm relatively happy in my own skin. I have some incredible people in my life who make me howl with laughter, and accept me unconditionally. I have good qualifications, lots of talents and interests, a job which I love, and at my age I believe those things are great achievements.

 If you want to travel, do it. If you hate your job, leave it. If you want to run a marathon, start training. If you're scared about something, confront it. Record an album, have a change of career, take a risk, tell someone how you feel, whatever it is, there just isn't a timescale that life should happen within. It might not work out, but that's ok too. Failures can't define you forever. I used to think as a child that I'd have my life sorted by now. But I know that I never truly will, and this freedom to be imperfect is an intrinsically wonderful thing. 

Criticism

As I write, I can't think of a single example of when it is enjoyable or in any way pleasant to be told that you have failed in some way, or fallen short of a set of expectations ascribed to you, even if criticism can be useful, if constructive.

However, this is somewhat interesting, given that, if asked what you are like by someone, I at least would think of all the worst things first. Then I'd think of some nice things to say. I'm perfectly capable of making myself sound good on paper and in person, in fact I do think I'm very much worth talking to!

The things we have a complex about tend to dominate our thoughts, but on the surface, we want everyone to see the good things we speak of. We are ashamed of our weaknesses. It seems that if our lives play out like a film, we only want people to see the trailer. The best bits, the funniest, the stand out moments. If people see anything more, they might notice all the things that could be better. Increasingly, given that social media facilitates exactly this mentality, we're almost bound to it.

We take criticism to heart, don't we? Blanking out all the good bits in favour of obsessing over an offhand comment, perhaps made in jest or by someone who misunderstood. Or maybe you really did get it wrong, in which case, you deserved that didn't you? So the mind ticks away.

Sometimes we can be very assured in one area of our life, and feel utterly helpless in another. Perhaps professionally, everything is going well, but you could get home and feel desperately alone. Or maybe you're really happy in your personal life, but feel some kind of existential crisis when you think your life is going nowhere.

Experiences just provide the paint on the canvas of life. Sometimes we really like what's being created and other times you realise it has become something you never intended or wanted it to be. You can sort of paint over it but there will always be a little stain to remind you of what was there before.

Letting people see the whole canvas is pretty scary. You only ever trust a few. Your sister, a close friend maybe. So why is it that we let so many people we barely know have the paintbrush? We believe the things people say about us, and that's how they paint. People have impressions on you in whatever capacity you know them. There are people I've met that have no idea how important they were in shaping who I am, and maybe I'm that person to others too. I just don't know.

As I sit here in my Donald Duck pyjamas eating salted caramel ice cream, I think of all the little things I did wrong today, most of them unnoticed by the five classes I taught. I wonder how many other things I did right that I can't even remember. This satisfies my point completely. We only notice the bad stuff. I worry if I post this, whether anyone will relate to it or if I'll just sound weird. I don't know if lots of things in my head make sense to others, but they do to me. I think about how I'm perceived often. How strange that we can never even see our own naked back in the flesh, never mind encounter ourselves as people the way others do.

Oh well, most people who know me think I'm odd enough as it is I suppose!

A philosophical procrastination resource.

Who are you? 

Can anyone answer this question properly? My answer is no. Most people would reel off a list of labels. Me too. We have bodies with recognisable characteristics, but we can change them if we like.

 I could get plastic surgery, get a spray tan, cut my hair short, dye it black, wear brown contact lenses and ask a stranger who I am. They would be describing someone else to my friends who know me as Liv, the girl with a blonde bob, milk-white skin, blue eyes and a small chest. My point is that we project who we want people to see, which I do. #paleandproud

That's just the surface. Superficially, we can 'fix' ourselves, the ethics of which can at times be questionable. The bit underneath is what we so often hide away. Our deepest fears, desires, wants and needs are encased in a tangible vessel of living, breathing, walking, talking components, assigned to you at birth. Your mind and soul can never be seen, only experienced or described. I believe that the self image we project only ever shows a third of us to the world for that very reason. 

We choose what to reveal from the other 66.6% of us by using our physical body as a window to communicate ourselves. Sometimes, we let people in on the little secrets we harbour inside that shell which we prune, preen and perfect for the outside world, which can be scary. 

Why are we scared? It can't REALLY hurt us, not really. We're all governed by the same emotional risks but we're afraid of what we can't understand. We live in an age where we want answers, predictions, reasons and justifications for what is happening in the now. We Google on our iPhones all the questions we don't dare to ask real people. We post on Instagram to get superficial approval, rather than have meaningful human interactions. We want admiration in this Instaculture and are losing the subtle art of patience for the answers to difficult questions. We throw away what no longer serves our purposes, our microwaves, cars, holey socks, old CDs and sadly, people too. We don't fix, we replace. We can't get the answer to the question: 'why', because people can't be explained by Google. We are left to wonder, and we have to fix ourselves when we feel broken, a completely counterintuitive notion within the boundaries of our societal norms. You can't replace a memory or a feeling, you have to learn to live with it. 

But who am I? I'm Soob, Blondie, Miss Thornton, 5'6, size 10, blue eyes, daughter,  acquaintance, best friend, sister. I was five years old once. My mental health is stable. I have a degree, I can sing, and I can work a room or absorb it from the sidelines. I love to talk, philosophise, learn and make judgements. I'm fickle, insecure yet certain, religious, contradictory, and I pay my taxes. I vote, I'm bad at maths, and I have no idea what I want from life except to be happy at the end of it. I'm aware of my naivety and very unassuming, and I think, a lot. Those are the labels I could use to describe 'Liv'. It's not enough, but it's a start. 

If I live to be 100, I'm only 24% complete in my life experience. So no, I can't answer the question of who I am. I think the best answer is probably 'I'll start you off with some labels and you can come and see for yourself'.

Interestingly enough, it's a question we ask each other every day, and possibly the one we're most scared of answering.

Oi, Quirrell!

 I have a little theory. Wouldn't it be great if people were nice to each other? At work, school, home, with friends. In so many walks of life, and to so many people, there is backstabbing, maliciousness, and a lack of compassion. It is so unnecessary.

I hear things about people all the time. Whether they're true or not, is none of my business. If I really was concerned about the person being talked about, I'd go and ask them if they were ok, did they want to talk etc. but only if I knew them well enough. And if I didn't know them well enough to have that conversation, then I don't believe that I should have the right to put that person down in public, yet behind their back. It baffles me that people can reach adulthood and not understand basic principles of common decency. It is not hard to be nice.

It depends what the topic of conversation is regarding that other person's life, but often, that individual needs good friends. People who are going to be there no matter what, to help them through whatever has been thrown their way. Maybe they made a mistake, but have you? Maybe they said something they shouldn't, but have you? Maybe they got dumped, or fired, or missed church 3 weeks running, threw up in a plant pot, or put on pills, but have you ever done any of those things? Or things like them? What if you did in the future? Who would be there for you, and what is their incentive to be there? What do you do to benefit others? Do you understand the whole picture, or do you run with a half baked story at the expense of others?

People will always talk, about whoever, about whatever. But it makes me so angry that more people will talk about that person than to that person, or give them the help they might be needing.

Respect, decency, compassion, love and care. We teach children about these things. But many adults still don't understand what actually practicing and embodying these things entails. We all need reminding to take a step back and look at ourselves from time to time, myself included.

The selfish thing to do is bring attention on yourself by spreading the gossip to look popular. The selfless thing to do is to discreetly help that person by going directly to that person and supporting them, or actually, just being nice. You don't even have to say anything to them, or anyone else at all.

Two faces didn't work out so well for Voldemort either.

A moment of seriousness 😐

I didn't know Robin Williams. I mean, I knew of him, but I can't say that I'm heartbroken that he's died, because I didn't know him like his friends and family did. I do think his death is very sad nonetheless. If the rumours are true that his death was related to depression, it just goes to show that this illness is a killer, and is very serious.

Many people forget that this is an illness in the process of trying to help someone out of depression, and the sufferer can feel as though they have little or no control over their own feelings. That is a terrifying experience, and may be one of the main recognisable feelings, given that almost everything else is just absent, or a void of negativity.

It's not that those who suffer depression don't want to feel better, they literally don't know how. It feels like digging your way out from the underground and having no idea when you're going to see the light, or if there will ever be any. As you start to recover, you observe everybody else functioning as normal above the surface, like a strange glass ceiling is between you and them. You want to be up there with them, but you have no idea how that's going to happen.  You want to be there, really there in the moment with them. You want to talk about how you feel and not scare anyone. You want them to be there for you, but if you're honest, you might lose the last thing keeping you going.

Fuck it. If you need to talk, talk honestly. If you lose people, you lose them. It doesn't really matter, because you would have lost more by trying to be cautious, which could delay your recovery.
 As you get better, you do see light, but this time it's like you're underwater and you need to find the whole in the ice to escape from. You feel like you're cold and numb inside, and sometimes it dawns on you that you can't breathe, and the overwhelming sense of uncertainty and self-doubt are the primary feelings you wake and sleep with.

People around you may not know what to do with you or say to you. But if you know someone with depression, all you have to do is be there. Don't set up an itinery of 'fun' things to do, your presence is enough. Understand that the person you're trying to help needs your support just as if they were suffering a physical illness, and if you were close to them beforehand, you will already know that the best of them is yet to come. That person who literally brought light, life, energy, happiness, positivity, good stuff to your day is in there somewhere and they can get better. Yes, they might feel like they have nothing to live for, but they do.

I'm not a medical expert but I do know that depression is a horrendous and dark illness to suffer from, and that you can feel happy again one day. Maybe not immediately, but if you compare it to the seasons, to get to summer you have to go through spring. That takes time, and even then, sometimes it rains in summer, but when you're at your best, you'll realise everything good that you can offer. You can appreciate the view the most when you're at the top of the mountain. It's just that when you're stuck in a metaphorical forest on the mountain, you can't see the view, or the big picture.

You can one day be there in those moments you observed under the ice,  you can even create those moments. People can love you for everything you are, see your lust for life, your energy. You end up feeling things again, like, you really want to go out tonight, you'd love a giant rack of ribs, you want a glass of wine, you'd have a great day if you went to the beach next week, or booked a holiday, or went on a shopping spree. The simple fact that you want to do stuff is what makes you who you are and have an influence on people.

This might sound like a strange kind of cheesy rambling pep talk to anyone. But the audience is anyone. Depression is indiscriminate of age, gender, racial background, and wealth. You, or someone you know could suffer from it.
This should not be a taboo subject. People should be talking about this.

Gymming it

Gymming it

So, I recently joined a gym, which seems a bit insane, because I'm probably the laziest person I know. I don't do any exercise, I hate sport, unless it involves walking upstairs to climb into bed (make of that what you will). And I always thought the gym was a bit soulless, and a bit naff.

Anyway, a load of my friends are members, and I've been peer pressured into exercising. So I thought I'd educate you on my recent PT session. My aims are to tone my core, bum and thighs.

We took my fat measurements alone in a spa room with candles, which felt incredibly awkward with a man I just met. Anyway, I managed to avoid exposing my knickers. Thank God I invested in those stretchy pants from h&m that can be forced backwards over the knee.

Back to the PT session. I have never felt the presence of my arse so intently in my life before this hour in particular. And it has definitely been there for 23 years, it's been very much there for about 10 years. So I did all these exercise things, he was firing info and technical terms at me, which I don't have the capacity to understand because I'm an RE teacher and I'm too busy memorising the Hail Mary to cope with adding muscle groups into the mix. All I could grasp was that my legs hurt and my arse hurt more.

So we got to this step/platform situation which was super high. So I was told to step on it and lower myself down which was supposed to make my legs look super hot eventually. I did not look hot as I fell to my gluteus maximus (I do know one muscle!) however, because I could not cope with the height of this crazy platform situation. My legs literally just failed me.

Anyway, he then walked me into the weights room. From the outside, there could have been a gay orgy going on in there, men were leaving sweaty and looking flustered, and questionable moans and grunts were emanating from the vicinity. Anyway, I put my assumptions to one side, and strolled in, a bag of pale scrawniness hoping to look casual. I think I pulled it off.

I almost died in there, I had a seat for a little rest between each squat. My thought process was, 'ok, nrghh, don't make an orgasm noise....owwww this hurts....how did I end up here....what if I fart from this effort....?...now I can sit down, ah what a---argh, oh God I bruised my arse when I fell off the too-high platform!' And so on.

It did not help that my PT kept saying things like 'explode', and 'the deeper you go, the better the result'. Maybe it comes from working with teenage boys that makes me suspicious.

We concluded with what felt like simulated childbirth by working on my core.

5 days on, all of the whatever they're called muscles feel ok again. I might go back soon. But getting my tattoo was genuinely less painful.

Regrets I have and how to overcome them

This whole idea of having no regrets? Well, everyone has them, and the only way to avoid making the same mistakes again is to learn from them. Everyone has regrets.

So here's 3 things I regret and what I've learnt from them.

1. Going on a second date with someone that you have absolutely no interest in. After feeding the ducks on date 1, walking round and round the same lake, getting colder, all of a sudden the heavens opened. Sadly, it was not the dawning realisation that I'd discovered 'the one'. The sun was not smiling it's rays down upon us, it was in fact pissing it down.
So we ran back to the W reg Renault Clio and did not passionately kiss like the scene from the rainy boat from The Notebook. We drove to Morrisons.
After all this, I decided for some reason that date 2 (bowling) would be a good idea. This resulted in 'Jack's a dick', which is now widely known as the get out clause for any bad date in my entire friendship circle. I literally had to ask a friend to ring me fake crying. In future, I'll just be honest. Lesson learned.

2. Underestimating myself. I'm aware this sounds a bit cheesy. But I've come to realise that I'm actually quite good at a lot of things. I'm just incredibly harsh on myself in lots of ways. I'm very good at 'what ifs', but when I actually take a step back from the situation, I realise that things really aren't that bad.
It infuriates me when other people tell me I can't do something, or will find something hard, and it infuriates me even more when I soak it in and say nothing to them. Actually, who is anyone else to say you can't do something? No one. They aren't in your head, your position and haven't lived your experiences. How do they know? Well it's quite simple, they just don't.
If someone tried to tell me I couldn't leap across the Grand Canyon in one jump, I'd be like, 'cheers for that advice, thanks for the tip-off', but I've almost abandoned my career before it started and spent a year feeling worthless because I listened to someone else underestimating me in the past. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. What a waste of time. You make yourself happy, if you know you'll be fine, chances are you will be.
So when I feel rubbish, I try to make myself aware that I'm underestimating myself and that others might be too.

3. I will eternally regret trying to grow up too soon. Through my whole childhood I was desperate to be a proper adult and glamourised almost every aspect of what that would be like. I wore make up when I was 12 because I felt like I needed it, and something like that just seems ridiculous now.
 I remember being 3 years old, eating marmalade on toast with my Mum. She went to the loo, and when she came back I demanded to know whether she'd washed her hands, because that's what all grown ups say when you've been for a wee. Little did I know that they only speak in that way to children. Fail mini Liv, fail. I just wanted to be one of them! I relished being a big sister, even though my little sister was bossier than me in her shiny red boots. The devastation.
I think I never really did being a teenager, I felt like I did being 13 to 18 in one year, and I went straight into my career after uni. Part of me wonders, if I just enjoyed being young, how much more really awesome stuff could I have done? I'd probably have made tonnes more mistakes. I could have just been really skint. But that's part of it perhaps. I still really want to go travelling. Maybe I will one day.

So my advice to myself is, be honest, value yourself, and don't grow up too soon.
Hmm, I like that. I'm off to eat some cheesecake.

The reality of your twenties

Being in your twenties is all about realising that how it looked when you were a teenager is in fact nothing like the reality. In your teenage mind, you WILL be a goddess of all things, constantly stunning, (even in the morning) you will be amazing at your job and as a result very rich, and sickeningly happy, because there will be so many people dying to go out with you, and of course you will have met THE ONE (if there is such a thing). Your hair would always be perfect (because you can obviously afford a haircut, yes?) and your skin would be positively glowing. Your chest would also be spot free, above the magnificent boobs that would have sprung into being by your twenties. You would sleep like Snow White, serene, elegant and dignified. There would be no hangovers, and being drunk would never go wrong, because you could only be effortlessly cool, because all of the being uncool would be over by the age of 18. Obviously. Mistakes would also be a thing of the past.

Haha ha ha HA. In actual fact my life is very little like that, so I thought I'd write a post about it, because it's what I fall back on when time is on my hands!

My reality is that I am not a goddess of all things unless that is being a bit weird, and increasingly like Bridget Jones. I am not constantly stunning, but I am quite good at make up :) I usually wake up looking like a deranged panda. A bit like Tim Minchin combined with the hair.
My job is nothing short of challenging at best, but is getting better slowly but surely, and it's been the hardest year of my life, but something I'm very proud of doing.
I'm not rich, but the richest I've ever been, and I'm not sickeningly happy and the crowds aren't clamouring at my feet for a date.
My hair is far from perfect especially in the morning, when a few birds raising their young in there wouldn't look out of place, and I still cut and colour it myself, sometimes, GREAT SUCCESS, others...moving on.
My skin is also a bit poo, but again going back to the make up thing, thank God I have the gift to gloss over Pompeii with limited success. Chest is ok, although my boobs are not magnificent, I can run downstairs without a bra. A minor victory.
I sleep with my knees bent and the duvet over my head, and I'm aware this is bizarre. Neither elegant, nor serene. I am also frequently uncool, as I'm reminded by my students several times a week, and also not so cool when I'm drunk either. And I do get hangovers, and wake up with morning breath that is reminiscent of a mcdonalds that I have no recollection of desiring, purchasing or consuming. With tinnitus worse than yesterday. RINGGGGGGG.
Getting out of bed is also still a royal pain in the arse.

Additionally:
Not getting ID'd being a bad thing
People saying 'oh..you've graduated' then backing slowly away.
Moving back in with your parents
Being the least experienced of all your colleagues ('oh, you'll look back on this and see how far you've come'--Christ, am I that bad?!)
And finally, this little gem..

'When are you going to find a nice young man and settle down?'
Shoot. Me. Now.

All of this is a bit tongue in cheek as you may have gathered. I just have to laugh at my 15 year old assumptions. There are many things I love about my twenties too, in many ways it has been awesome, but the stupid stuff is far more interesting don't you think?

The PGCE 'I can't do this' moment.

So whilst my blogs are few and far between these days they are definitely something I’ve had every intention of returning to.

A lot has happened since I last wrote as I believe my last bit of inspiration came around the time of my Grandma’s funeral, but I've been so busy ever since.

To update you, I’ve almost finished my first placement, have passed Stage 2 of my PGCE and have joined a dating site which has been the source of a few interesting evenings!

I really didn’t know what to write about tonight, it was a toss up between several things but I picked the PGCE 'I can't do this' moment.

I think everyone gets to a point on the course where they have had absolutely and utterly enough. You have moments every day when you think ‘why am I doing this?!’ but this is next level. You actually write the email to say you’re going to quit and are on the brink of sending it. For me I’d worked 18 hours the day before, had 4 hours sleep and had an unbelievable amount of work to do in just one day in order to meet an important deadline, and I just didn't have time to do everything. I’d been having one meal a day for several weeks and just had no energy to go in and tell children to turn round and face the front, stop swinging on their chairs and shut up.

These are some of the reasons why I reached ‘Black Tuesday’ as I like to call it:

• ·         My lessons are never good enough. There is ALWAYS room for improvement.
• ·         I’m a perfectionist. I can never plan or evaluate in enough detail to satisfy me.
• ·         I miss my old life. I’m not a student anymore. Someone has abducted my social life - taken it from me, and at some points I wanted to ring that person up and give them Liam Neeson’s ‘I will find you…’ line from ‘Taken’, with even more conviction than he showed.
• ·         Some of the kids have literally no respect whatsoever and will treat you like you’re subhuman.
• ·         You get put in a school, you can’t choose where you go on placement. That’s not to say I hate my school, I don’t at all, but it might not be the right place in the long term even if you get fantastic experience there. I did find it hard at points.
• ·         People who just don’t understand telling you that you don’t even know what stress is yet because ‘you’re not even a real teacher with a full timetable yet’. That is not a helpful statement in the least. Have you done this?! Oh you haven't? Then be silent!

However, there are obviously reasons why I haven’t dropped out yet. The golden moments that make it worth it – here are a few:

• ·         ‘Miss, I really enjoyed that lesson’.
• ·         When kids say thanks to me for teaching them.
• ·         Meeting their parents and realising they actually give a shit about their child’s education.
• ·         ‘I’ll be sad when you leave Miss’.
• ·         Whilst a lesson will never be perfect, there are elements of some of my lessons that have come close.
• ·         ‘You have created some fantastic resources’
• ·         When someone tells you they can tell that you genuinely care about what you do.
• ·         ‘Why was John afraid to baptise Jesus?’ ‘He thought Jesus would beat him up?’
• ·         When a teacher comes up and asks if you’re ok and says that if you need anything to just ask.
• ·         Random texts off my Dad to say he’s proud of me and Mum calling to check if I’ve had a good day.
• ·         Getting told I look like Beyonce, Taylor Swift and Alice in Wonderland all in one week by the same child. The first one?!
• ·         When an experienced teacher tells you that they think you will make a good teacher.

So to anyone thinking of doing a PGCE, prepare for your ‘I can’t do this moment’ because it will probably come at some point. But when it does, bear in mind you aren’t the first or the last to feel like you can’t even look at the school logo without wanting to vom! If I can do it, then anyone can!

To all my fellow PGCEers, we made it this far! I’m so proud of us.

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

So yeah, this is something I have thinking about a fair bit recently.

How do we judge if someone is acting their age? Should we?

Well for a child there are loads of ways to determine this, mainly through developmental stages that broadly follow the patterns of the levels of their education, emotional capacities and behaviour patterns, but what I’m talking about is adult age.

There comes a time, when we seem to plateau, but in levels and for a very long time. It has only recently hit me that this is the case, really, through just talking to people and looking at photographs of my Grandma and Grandad from their youth.

I mean, the plateau starts when we get to roughly 21 and this is when we’re expected to be pretty much responsible for ourselves, for example, be in a job, possibly running a car, paying our own way, doing our own laundry etc. 

Between 25-30, parents may start to hint that you should be thinking about settling down, because ‘Amy’s a lovely girl’, or dumping Martin for ‘that nice boy over the road, because Martin is not good enough for you’. You’ve heard it all before.

Then, you might decide to have kids. Of course, this may have happened in a different order, sometimes surprises happen! Sometimes, the surprise is that none of this happens at all.

Then, after the husband and kids, comes the process of keeping the whole thing stuck together, not fucking it up, and being happy until the end of your days. 

For some people, this picture perfect scene is a reality, but for many, the pattern doesn't ring true.

With all this in mind, its no wonder that we lose sight of who we really are and what we were meant to do in the first place. In my opinion, the only thing we can really do with life, is live. Given that, we might as well just get on with it. Don't worry about other's expectations, concern yourself with your own.

 Instead of thinking about what we should be doing at our age, we should just let things happen, obviously applying a level of responsibility, such as don't just leave the iron on forever, just in case. If you get married at 21, then good for you. Personally, I would rather die than marry someone now, because I don’t feel ready and to be honest I don’t know when that will be. I might be 25, I might be 35, but when the time is right then its all gravy, and hopefully there’ll be some roast potatoes to join the party if I’ve learned to cook better by then.

I know so many people who are hung up on what they should be doing for their age. To be honest, I can be just as bad. I started out on my course thinking I was too young, but who says? Just because I’m the youngest in the staffroom doesn’t mean I’m any less ready to be there, or any less willing to do the job properly. Age is really just a number (says the 21 year old who hasn't really lived yet I know, I know - contradiction right there! Case in point).

We’re all born, and we’ll all die. What we do between these times should happen when we feel ready, not when we should be. You can never predict when something is going to happen or feel that you have let yourself down if Plan A doesn’t work, because the more you worry about it, the less likely Plan B, the better plan, is to succeed.

So for anyone who is curious: how old would I be if I didn’t know my age?

To be honest, I just don’t know. Some days I feel 5 because I’m hyper and silly and do weird voices, other days 15 because I have a giant spot on my chin, no one fancies me and my life is OVER etc, and other days I feel 25 although I’m not even that old yet, because I’ve moved out, have a car, manage my finances and plan on teaching kids for a living. Sometimes, I feel 70, because I'm in bed watching repeats of Coronation Street on a Saturday night, with some cheese and biscuits. Too cool.

But really, I’m 21, and concerning myself because I’m 22 in a month and that’s OLD right?

 It isn’t at all, but things are expected of us at certain ages, 22 is now seen as an age where we should have some sort of idea what our 5 year plan is. 

When the fuck did someone come up with this notion? 

I’m sure it didn’t exist back in the 1950s. I don’t have a 5 year plan really. Although if I set myself targets the top five would be:

1.       Be alive

2.       Be a teacher

3.       Have been on several more ridiculously wonderful nights out that I will never forget

4.       Have taken Mum and Dad out for a meal and paid, just to be nice

5.       To stop blinking when fireworks go off, or at loud noises in general

I think that’s an ok list to be getting on with!

Happy Monday everyone!

Custard Creams and Car Boyfriends

Today. Is it today? I’ve come to a realisation of a few things. Truth be told I feel on the cusp of being old and young. (Cos Liv hasn’t blogged about THAT before…) But seriously this time I’ve thought of actually why – a bit. More..?

Old because I’m no teenager, young because I’m far from being seen as ‘established’ as an adult. Established adults seem to have their shit together.

In the staffroom at school I feel so young and so naïve, and so overwhelmed at talking to any other teacher that I wonder if I’m in the right place at all. They seem so busy, bustling around from lesson to lesson, discussing things I have no idea about, and laughing at things I don’t understand, vaguely aware of my existence over their cups of tea and custard creams someone brought in I haven’t met yet. And they all look 50 and bring their own sandwiches, sometimes hummous. That makes me want hummous. The spicy ones are my personal favourites.

I still feel like one of the kids, but teaching is a pipe dream I’ve had for a while now. I just want my life to cohesively just - work as a unit, rather than be stuck in a strange place between study and work, waiting for lots of things, for my career to slot into place, discovering who I am and where I fit in to the whole thing along the way.

I also want to be liked, as in some silly way I feel this verifies me as a person which I know many people will find ridiculous, but not me, because I live in my head all the time. I have no idea why I’m so preoccupied with being liked because I know I’m liked, loved even by people that matter. Its not something I spend my whole life worrying about by any means, I just want to get things right with people. That makes me sound a bit pathetic, but I don’t really care because I think everyone secretly feels this way, just we all hate talking about it. Its hardly a conversation you have at the bus stop is it?

I go out at the weekend but also get my work done and that makes me a well-rounded individual right? A little fucked up perhaps but who isn’t? Not fucked up in a bad way, I mean just a bit imperfect. I’ll also (when the time is right) find a man who can appreciate all my subtleties, dispel my fears and protect me from all the hurt I could imagine. I like this general plan. I might have to cook the odd tea for him though, and suffer his annoying little ways, but he will be like my car – rough round the edges, smells interesting sometimes, yet is reliable, adorable and understanding of the things I get wrong. That sounds great to me!

So this is what was floating around my head over the last 5 hours, although most of it I deleted.  

Life as a Graduate

I know I tend to write a lot less often these days partly as I'm so busy, but today I'm going to talk about life as a graduate.

A graduate. What does that make you think of? Before uni it made me think of a really clever, 'mature person', someone who had a decent income, and knew what they wanted to do with their degree. It made me think of gowns, scrolls and mortar boards. But actually, being a graduate is nothing like that.

For me, as someone who returned to 'study'( - well is it studying? It feels more like training, but of course its that as well) I have a clear idea of what I want to do, but a decent income is yet to come. As for the image of gowns, scrolls and mortar boards, the gown was on for 5 hours, and the latter two were in my contact for all of 2 minutes while my picture was taken, and were placed and positioned on me by someone I didn't know. I may have a piece of (very sexy) paper to say I'm very clever but the gaps in my subject knowledge that have become apparent don't make me feel it yet. As for mature, well what does that even mean? We still go out most weekends and mess about in the kitchen together, do ridiculous accents and wind each other up with threats of death/general abuse and other equally amusing activities. I also have no intention of changing for a long time to come!

For others, it isn't so easy. They don't know what they want to do after graduating, and even if they did, that job probably wouldn't exist in a year after 'the funding got cut', if they even got the job which they probably wouldn't because at least 300 other people would have applied too. You see my point? Coupled with the fact that uni was so amazing and you get filled with promise in a future that may not deliver, life after uni can be a massive comedown, especially after moving back in with your parents in your twenties.

I'm counting myself lucky that I hopefully have a future in a career that will last (unless Gove decides he's going to redirect all the funding for education into a Mad Hatter's Tea Party, which would actually be a better use of his time, at least if he did that then on his day off someone could accidentally shred his plans to fuck up the education system). Anyway, all I can say to my friends that haven't been so lucky is that even if you've left uni, there are still people beyond your family who care about how you're doing. The job thing is soul destroying at times but keep going with it, we've got a reputation to keep going guys!

When all else fails, and your mum starts to nag, hand her the graduation picture and say 'does this mean you aren't proud of me anymore? Look how clever and mature I am..'.

So, PGCE, what's that like?

Ok so I haven’t done any teaching yet, that happens in a few months.

Its been really good so far though, I’ve certainly been kept on my toes with very full days and lots of work to do at home. I’ve really enjoyed my first week, the people on my course are lovely as well as the other PGCE and SCITT students from other subjects I’ve met. The tutors are also great, really engaging and great at reassuring us.

 I found out THE BIG ONE today, my placement school. It’s a Catholic one just on the other side of Leeds. I can’t wait to go on my first visit and see what its like! I think I’ll find it weird teaching in a Catholic school as it is no secret I’m lapsed (but retesting the waters with the whole religion thing) but I’m still looking forward to it and keeping my options open is something I’ve been preparing for for a while.

I also joined 3 teaching unions today, the NASUWT, NUT and ATL (teachers seem to love their acronyms) with loads of freebies like teaching planners, wall calendar, pens and highlighters etc, and one of those keyring things that has a fake pound coin for the trolley on it.

Another thing me and Em have been doing is takng in our own lunch, and saved a fortune in the process. £5 for a whole week of dinners? Can’t complain really.

All in all its been a tiring, crazy week but I’m loving it so far. I can really see how easy it is to fall behind though, so I’ve been over-compensating by becoming some kind of organisation goddess this week, I just hope the novelty doesn’t wear off!!

Cheers for reading, much lurve!

What's Liv doing with her life...?

...apart from trying and failing to think of some interesting blog topics?

I got back off holiday, worked LOADS (I am ready to burn that shirt), lost my iPod (cue devastation), had my work leaving do (cue singing, drinking and dancing), went out for my friend's 21st, was shocked some of us in our year aren't 21 yet which made me feel too old, went out for Mum and Dad's wedding anniversary, redyed my hair so now its sexy again, and tried to be good but failed a little.. :P Spent too much dollar, again!

Its been a pretty busy time! Housemates are moving in and out left right and centre, so I'm looking forward to having a normal house again once it all settles down, but going to fucking miss everyone SO much.

I'm more than aware of the fact that it is 2 weeks to Doomsday aka 'PGCE start date' which I'm anticipating 40% and dreading 60%. Student Finance is about to give birth to a year of madness, and hand over the monster child without an instruction manual, and Liz McGuire is the midwife that pops in to check I've not killed it yet. Bit melodramatic, but well done Liv, I'm sure that's healthy! Yeah I'm totally ready for someone to make a banana milkshake of my life as I know it. Once I've bought some Post-its. Oh and some pens. Also, new teacher clothes. Ah hello comfort zone. Shopping, wonderful.

Its going to be just fine.

Wales

So, I'm in Wales.

I've got to be honest with you I never thought I'd go on holiday with my parents again for a long long time, probably because I don't actually live with them and I'm in my twenties and it is severely uncool to partake in such activities. I thought it would never happen again after the Northern Ireland boredom video fiasco.

There've been times while I've been here that I've thought oh my God why did I come, but equally there've been some classic moments, such as these:

1. After hearing an English woman direct us for years on the satnav, to hear Yoda tell us we arrived at our destination in German as a one off was a bit of a surprise.
2. Discovering that Dad's 'go to' holiday DVDs are Enchanted and Alice in Wonderland.
3. Hearing Mum say 'that's the joy of natural coloured shorts' - ?!?
4. Waiting for Dad outside the cottage for 45 minutes after he was adamant he knew a quicker way back and getting lost in a field with the only key. We knew he'd be back soon after hearing the dogs up the road.
5. Realising that we are that far out in the sticks that it is literally quicker to walk to England than the nearest pub.

At 21, I definitely think I've outgrown holidays with my parents but this one has been totally different because they're treating me like an adult too. I mean I've said 'crap' several times now, and Mum just isn't rising to it like she used to. Probably Sophie's fault - after saying 'its not my fault we were brought up on "fucking hellfire"' I think Mum reassessed the offensiveness of 'crap'. That's what's great about having a sibling, let them annoy your parents so that your less shocking behaviour appears glorious, works every time.  However, I haven't spoken to anyone under 45 in 4 days now and I will be glad to be home, although I'm having a good time with Mum and Dad :)

See you all at home - PS St Ann's Avenue enjoy your postcard!!

One of those posts...

Do you think the last person who said they loved you meant it?

Given that it was my Dad, I bloody hope so!!

Would you date an 18 year old at the stage you are now?

No, only my age or above now. Most of them are too immature.

Would you ever smile at a stranger?

Yeah! Why not makes their day a little happier J

Is anyone mad at you for talking to the one you’re dating?

Not dating anyone really so nope

Have you heard a song that reminds you of anyone today?

Yeah, Wreckin Bar and If You Wanna by The Vaccines, reminds me of mine and Emily’s nights out. Good times, good memories!!!

What exactly are you wearing right now?

(For Rosie and Emily) OMG me tooo!! I’ve got my knickers on, my bra, some tights AND my blue dress with flowers on it!!

How often do you listen to music?

Everyday

Do you wear jeans or sweatpants more?

Rarely wear jeans, only for work really. Never wear sweatpants.

Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with a B?

No

What about S?

No

Can you drive a stick shift?

After being assured by Rosie that this is not a pornographic reference (Americans…) but in fact a manual car, yes I can drive a stick shift.

Do you care if people talk badly about you?

Who honestly doesn’t? But someone will always do it anyway, may as well get on with life! No one can please everyone.

When was the last time you cried?

A couple of months back

Have you ever told someone you loved them?

Yeah. I also tell my friends when drunk, apparently did the rounds on grad night. Better than being a sad or angry drunk I suppose!

Would you ever change your eye colour?

No, I used to really want green eyes, and have often wished my eyes were slightly lighter because I look stoned a lot of the time apparently! Haha! But no, I think I’d find it weird to change after 21 years.

Is there a boy you would do absolutely anything for?

No, except for my Dad – legend!

Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.

AS4 at Trinity – aka death sauna, apart from that its been cracking!

Is it cute when a guy kisses you on the forehead?

Aw gee :*)

Are you dating the last person you talked to?

Emily? Does marriage on the book of Faces count?

What are you sitting on?

A garden chair – soaking some sun J

Does anyone apart from family tell you they love you regularly?

No, apart from when I come out with the usual ridiculous shite

Have you ever wanted someone you can’t have?

Long time ago

Who was the last person you spoke to before going to bed last night?

Josh, about how soaked his jumper was after Emily’s get your own back style showerhead supersoaking extravaganza! Was a bit funny though!

Do you get a lot of colds?

I seem to save them up till September then have them all at once!

Where is the shirt you’re wearing from?

It’s a dress, from New Look

Does anyone hate you?

Most probably but personally I think its too much effort to hate someone, it means thinking about them more often!

Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden in your room?

No, wouldn’t hide them if I did

Do you like watching scary movies?

Yes and no. Only if the scary thing gets its arse kicked, then it can’t come get me in the night. Because obviously, of all the thousands of people that see the film, it would definitely be me that got murdered. 

Definitely, because it knows I know…

Do you want your tongue pierced?

No

If you had to delete one year of your life completely what would it be?

14 years old, but there are some things I’d want to keep.

Did you have a dream last night?

Don’t remember one

When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

Thursday night, to my Grandma after she made tea

Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

I don’t plan to, these things just happen eventually. Could happily go another 10 years and I wouldn’t be that fussed.

Do you think someone has feelings for you?

Not that I’m greatly aware of

Do you think someone is thinking of you right now?

Obviously because I’m Liv Thornton. Probs not.

Did you have a good day yesterday?

Yeah was good! Started the subject booster course at uni, met some lovely new people, then went to Leeds and dyed my hair bright orange, had a lovely tea cooked by Will and Em, then had some evening banter before bed. Good times!

2 months ago, were you in a relationship?

No

In the next 48 hours will you hang out with a guy?

Yeah, I live with one

Has anyone told you they never want to lose you?

Not really

Do you have any pictures on Facebook?

Plenty, many of them embarrassing, though I’m past caring tbh!!

Do you replay things that have happened in your head?

Too much sometimes, but I think most people are guilty of the same crime

Were you single over the last summer?

No

Do you ever pass notes at school?

Yep, just yesters in fact

Is your life anything like it was two years ago?

Very very different, I’ve grown up a lot! Graduated, met soo many amazing new people, and about to start teaching!

What are you supposed to be doing right now?

Answering GCSE questions on Islam! Mayyyybe later ;)

Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?

No he’s dead lovely

Are you nice to everyone?

I’d never make anyone feel like crap on purpose, its low

Do you think you could last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

Tried and tested. I couldn’t do that to someone.

Are you good at hiding your feelings?

No, I totally wear my heart on my sleeve

Do you think you like someone?

Not especially

Have you kissed someone whose name begins with a T?

Yep a few

Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?

A healthy balance of both is best

Have anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?

Currently trying to think of ones that haven’t! How embarrassing!

How’s your heart?

Ticking away nicely thanks!

Is there something in your past you hate talking about?

Not really, things I’d rather avoid, but life’s always gonna be crap sometimes, it’s the good things that make the bad worth dealing with J

Have you ever cried over a guy

Yeah, find me a (straight) girl that hasn’t

Are your toenails painted pink?

No, I prefer red

Will your next kiss be a mistake?

I don’t know yet do I?

Have your pants ever fallen down in public?

No, but my skirt has blown up, Marilyn made it look amazing, I looked like an utter imbecile with my Kermit knickers on..

Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

Sophie my beautiful sister!

How do you look right now?

Ginger, and smokinnnnn. No but I do look ginger, and probs a bit greasy from the sun – so attractive!!

Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?

Many!

Can you commit to one person?

Yes, but I’m not bothered about that at the moment

Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

Yeah, Josh is like my bro!

Are relationships ever worth it?

Absolutely

Currently wanting to see anyone?

Ness, Tanya, and Sophie

Name something you have to do tomorrow?

Go see Batman!

Last person you cried in front of?

Probably Rosie and Emily

Is there someone you will never forget?

Yeah, many people close to me

What would you be doing if your favourite person was with you?

Probs enjoying a nice chilled Kopparberg in the sun whilst having a nice catch up

Are you over your past?

I’m thinking yes J

Have you ever liked one of your friends of the opposite sex?

Yep

The last person you kissed turns up at your door at 3am, what do you do?

Shut the door and enjoy a nice sleep

Have you ever liked someone your friends hated?

No

Will you be in a relationship within 2 months?

Doubt it, not looking

Do you know anyone called Michael?

Uncle Mickey, and a few others

Have you ever kissed a Matthew?

No

Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?

Yes, I had a relationship with Ben & Jerry’s. We’re still together, a match made in heaven.

Who were the last 6 people to text you?

Tanya, Tom, Ness, Mum and Emily

Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

Yes

Who’s in your profile picture with you?

Me

Ever kissed under fireworks?

Nope but that does sound pretty cool

Graduation Day

Good afternoon!

Just to update you I had my graduation ceremony the other day, and I actually think it was one of the best days of my life. It wasn’t what I expected it to be in a way, because at the start of first year I thought we’d all be graduating together, but some friends have left uni, others will be graduating later and others now live abroad!

I have to say that the ceremony itself felt really strange, firstly because I didn’t know what to expect, and secondly because sitting there in those robes on what seemed like a very grand occasion didn’t feel very related to panic mode ‘night before’ essay writing, results days, house viewings, 9am lectures, consoling friends over break ups, learning to cook, or the banter of the Chaplaincy, SU, and nights out we all shared together.

Having said that, I never felt so proud of myself that day, and having all our hard work acknowledged was so so worth all the stress of the last three years which have hands down been the best of my life. It sounds kind of cheesy but I went to uni as a teenage girl and left as a young woman ready to pursue a career goal.

 One of the most poignant moments of the day for me was when my Dad said how proud he was of me and even got a bit teary which I did not expect, given that he never really took a great interest in my academic achievements, even telling me an RS degree was a bad idea at A Level, but I think I changed his mind ;)

I‘m so glad I went to the ceremony because I might never see some of those people again, but I certainly know who I’m going to stay in touch with. I’ve made friends for life, and I bloody love you lot. Thanks so much for really being there for me, laughing at as well as with me, and providing serious memories! Also, it wouldn’t have been the same without Rosie there, I’m so glad she came!

After the ceremony and photography my family went for some drinks at Nation of Shopkeepers then joined up with Emily’s family for a meal together at Giraffe and then went home to number 29 (aka Houseparty HQ of the last 6 months – why IS it always at ours?!), then after some tunage and alcohol consumage went out to Call Lane followed by Revs, where I somehow lost my phone due to my great skills in life.

So a few days later and we have the pictures, and I have a shiny new phone. Rosie is dying of some kind of airborne disease and is in a quarantined environment, plenty of Subways have been consumed, and I’m off to my Grandma and Grandad’s for the last Thursday tea before schools break up.

For anyone interested, I resumed my usual behaviour after the formalities concluded...

That may explain why I lost my phone then.... Why are my family proud of me again?!

Oops! Congrats to everyone else who also graduated, turns out we're a bit clever after all.

Thanks for reading!

PS. This is my lovely family. Also thanks to James at Sugarbird Photography for doing mine and Em's photos. He's on Facey so check him out if you like the photos (obvs not included the demented one of me because that one is definitely not a quality snapshot!).

Leaving Retirement!

I’m coming out of retirement, and I cannot be fucked with the old blog challenge thing btw before anyone asks. I’m too busy to be doing it everyday!!

I’ve had a busy couple of weeks, worked a bit, gained a 2:1 degree, gained a housemate, been burgled (again), passed my driving test, y’know the usual..

Also went to a PGCE welcome meeting which was really good, feeling so excited to start my course now, and far less scared. Everyone seems really nice on the course which is really reassuring!

Having got my driving licence I can now afford to actually do stuff from next month which is really good, and I’m going on holiday in August so I’m looking forward to that too!

I’ve spent loads of times with my friends too, adding Josh, Ash and Gareth to our blend of girliness at no. 29 which has been a good laugh. Seeing all my friends trying to get jobs has kind of opened my eyes to the fact that having a degree doesn’t necessarily make getting a job easier, as well as the fact that huge amounts of debt accrue over the course of a degree. For many people I think getting a degree is a way of putting off entering the real world because it has felt a bit like being in sixth form but without your mum around. I have to say that if I didn’t want to be a teacher I don’t think it would have helped me a great deal. Of course I have loved uni, so much and I’ve learned so much more than academic knowledge, and really I think these things are just as important to being well rounded individuals. So for me, no regrets really, although knowing the PGCE will cost 9k does make me wince a little when reading Student Finance correspondence.

Day 4: Ways to win my heart...

I'm actually cringing about this post slightly if I'm honest because thinking about it, it is a bit cheesy. I find it difficult to write about something when I'm not especially wanting anyone to win my heart these days. I'm quite happy as I am for the most part :)

• Cook a really good meal – preferably involving salmon of some kind! Fish pie, salmon steak, cheesy pasta bake with peas and salmon, nomanomanom!!
• Listen to me. Sometimes you feel like you’re on a date and they’re just bombarding you with everything about their lives and that you can’t get a word in edgeways. Also, when I say I’m not interested, I’m very sorry but that’s what I mean. I don’t mean that in a few months I might change my mind. I really hate the thought of leading someone on.
• Let me listen. I really miss someone telling me the simple things like how their day’s been, what worries them, a stupid thing that happened or a good film they saw. Don’t be a piece of furniture! Talk to me, but don’t over dominate.
• Be patient with me. I worry a lot, and often overthink things. For everyone who has put up with me – thankyou, I know it can make being around me a royal pain in the bum.
• Be yourself. Massive cliché, but if you can make stupid faces and do daft impressions of people in front of me on a wander round Leeds, then it will win you more points with me than taking me out for a fancy meal. I’m not really used to the proper ‘dating’ thing if I’m truly honest.

Thanks for bearing with me through the rollercoaster of cliches and cheesiness, but I suppose I have to have a sprinkling of typical posts among the ones I've tried to make more interesting!

Oh and I love it when the other person smiles while kissing you.

Ok that's it for this evening :)