I didn't know Robin Williams. I mean, I knew of him, but I can't say that I'm heartbroken that he's died, because I didn't know him like his friends and family did. I do think his death is very sad nonetheless. If the rumours are true that his death was related to depression, it just goes to show that this illness is a killer, and is very serious.
Many people forget that this is an illness in the process of trying to help someone out of depression, and the sufferer can feel as though they have little or no control over their own feelings. That is a terrifying experience, and may be one of the main recognisable feelings, given that almost everything else is just absent, or a void of negativity.
It's not that those who suffer depression don't want to feel better, they literally don't know how. It feels like digging your way out from the underground and having no idea when you're going to see the light, or if there will ever be any. As you start to recover, you observe everybody else functioning as normal above the surface, like a strange glass ceiling is between you and them. You want to be up there with them, but you have no idea how that's going to happen. You want to be there, really there in the moment with them. You want to talk about how you feel and not scare anyone. You want them to be there for you, but if you're honest, you might lose the last thing keeping you going.
Fuck it. If you need to talk, talk honestly. If you lose people, you lose them. It doesn't really matter, because you would have lost more by trying to be cautious, which could delay your recovery.
As you get better, you do see light, but this time it's like you're underwater and you need to find the whole in the ice to escape from. You feel like you're cold and numb inside, and sometimes it dawns on you that you can't breathe, and the overwhelming sense of uncertainty and self-doubt are the primary feelings you wake and sleep with.
People around you may not know what to do with you or say to you. But if you know someone with depression, all you have to do is be there. Don't set up an itinery of 'fun' things to do, your presence is enough. Understand that the person you're trying to help needs your support just as if they were suffering a physical illness, and if you were close to them beforehand, you will already know that the best of them is yet to come. That person who literally brought light, life, energy, happiness, positivity, good stuff to your day is in there somewhere and they can get better. Yes, they might feel like they have nothing to live for, but they do.
I'm not a medical expert but I do know that depression is a horrendous and dark illness to suffer from, and that you can feel happy again one day. Maybe not immediately, but if you compare it to the seasons, to get to summer you have to go through spring. That takes time, and even then, sometimes it rains in summer, but when you're at your best, you'll realise everything good that you can offer. You can appreciate the view the most when you're at the top of the mountain. It's just that when you're stuck in a metaphorical forest on the mountain, you can't see the view, or the big picture.
You can one day be there in those moments you observed under the ice, you can even create those moments. People can love you for everything you are, see your lust for life, your energy. You end up feeling things again, like, you really want to go out tonight, you'd love a giant rack of ribs, you want a glass of wine, you'd have a great day if you went to the beach next week, or booked a holiday, or went on a shopping spree. The simple fact that you want to do stuff is what makes you who you are and have an influence on people.
This might sound like a strange kind of cheesy rambling pep talk to anyone. But the audience is anyone. Depression is indiscriminate of age, gender, racial background, and wealth. You, or someone you know could suffer from it.
This should not be a taboo subject. People should be talking about this.
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